Someone Pinch Me...

 

Who wasn't expecting this?! After the cycle from hell, who actually expected this?! Not this girl, that's for sure! The first test turned positive so quickly I was sure it was a fluke, and so I retested. The second one turned positive within thirty seconds. I bawled and bawled and bawled! When I finished I thought about the chance of miscarriage and bawled some more. I called my sister, and she talked a little sense into me. 

I really liked how I told Alex, but I wish I would have been able to catch it on camera! I found that he had forgotten his phone at home, so I grabbed it and the wrapped up tests and headed to the store. I put together a bag of baby carrots, a muffin (we've been referring to the baby as a cupcake for years, and this was the closest I could find), and a baby bottle full of water. I put everything in a grocery bag and went to his shop. I called and asked for him to come down, but he was in position and couldn't. This was when I sadly realized I wouldn't be able to record it. So, I went upstairs, set my phone outside the tower cab, and went up the final flight of stairs. I called him over, and handed him the bag, which he took without even starting to look at it. I asked him if he was going to look at what I brought. I looked confused, but said okay. He pulled out the carrots and I said "baby carrots." He pulled out the muffin, "muffin." Then he looked at the bottle at the bottom of the bag, "bottle of water." He scrunched his eyebrows and whispered "Are you pregnant?" I told him to look at the last bit. He unwrapped the tests, looked at them, and wrapped me in a hug. He kept saying "Oh my God, it worked. It worked!" When I looked up he was tearing up. Then he looked at his coworkers, pumped his arms, and yelled, "We're gonna have a baby!!" It was ridiculously adorable :)

I went to the clinic this afternoon for my blood test. I got the results back, and my hcg was 212. It's official, we're expecting a baby in August! I'm so ecstatic, but so scared, I'm so afraid that I'll miscarry. Ms. B told me from the get go that I have a higher chance of miscarriage... I'm trying to focus on positive thoughts, but it's hard. When you're infertile, it seems like every happy thing is immediately followed by something terrible. I'm just praying this baby, our very first pregnancy, sticks around.

A sigh of relief and a wtf??

Alex and I talked about the whole situation many many times, and I think we finally reached an understanding. There were lots of tears, a few raised voices, and realizations on both ends. It turns out we weren't being completely clear with each other.

He does want to wait a little bit, but not for as long or for the reasons that I thought. He wants to take about a year and really work on improving his woodworking and forging. He is hoping that in that year we will have the time to sell his creations, have me doula (for money, that is) and all around save the money. His thinking is that since there is this extra time where the situation isn't quite as dire, we can use it to be a little more financially prepared. He doesn't want to take out a loan for 10,000-20,000$ if we don't have to. He wants us to save as much as we can, and then take out a loan if we can't quite cover it.

While I'm still not thrilled with the wait, I can respect this. The thing that has me happiest is that if someone we know approaches us about a baby, he is perfectly happy to immediately take the steps towards adopting it. He says that if something works out that well, then we are meant to take those steps then. The way he was originally talking, it just seemed as if he saw an out and was taking it. As far I knew, this break could have been decades long, and that just wasn't acceptable. I'm really glad that we managed to work this out. In the mean time, we are going to continue trying naturally (or as naturally as possible), and maybe we'll "relax" enough ;)

As for still trying,  do you all remember Dr. S telling me not to continue any meds until we moved to ivf for my emotional stability blah blah blah? Should I follow that advice? Technically my usual PA, Ms. B, spoke with a different doctor and they decided I could continue femara as long as I still came in for scans. I would rather continue with that source of treatment. Even if Dr. S thinks nothing will change on femara, I know absolutely nothing will happen without it. I would like to continue with at least a glimmer of a hope. What do you think?

Now, for the wtf segment of today's show. Did you guys know there is a whole anti-adoption community?! Reading the stuff is crazy! Apparently couples looking to adopt are predators and just customers. Apparently the act is completely unnatural and damaging to the child. Some of the things I was reading were just ridiculous! Have you guys seen this? Thoughts?

Or not...

Two days after my last post, things took a drastic turn towards Craptown, USA.

Alex and I went to a party where we asked for help from a group of people who are like family to us. We asked for their help with finding a possible birth mother. They are very involved in the community and see all sorts of people in different situations. During the conversation they had mentioned that due to our decision, the situation wasn't as dire. They suggested that since we are so young we just wait.

They don't get it. No one seems to get it. I may be chronologically  22, but emotionally I am well into my thirties. Everyone seems to think that since I'm young I haven't lived my life the way I wanted to. They seem to think that since I'm young I must have some romantic idea about the life of a mother and not be looking at things realistically. I must be out of my mind.

Unfortunately, while I stayed firmly seated in my position, their words trickled into Alex's brain. He has decided that they are right. We were so determined to begin trying for a baby due to all of our issues, and it's no longer necessary. We have decided we are happy to accept a child into our hearts who won't necessarily be of our blood. There will always be children in need of homes, why not wait? Why not live our lives now while we're young? Why sacrifice our money and time now when we don't have to?

And in that moment I felt everything shatter. This last year has been a living hell for me. I can't watch a diaper commercial without having a minor breakdown. How in the hell am I going to make it through however long he decides he needs to live his life enough? That was the best part! When I asked how long he needed, his response was "I don't know." I don't know isn't good enough!

He did say that he doesn't want to prevent a pregnancy (as if we would ever need to) because if we are by some miracle able to have a biological child, that is awesome. I then asked if we could go back to the ivf plan. Now he doesn't feel comfortable with how much money we would have to spend on ivf when it might not even work. So, unless I manage to find a way to pay for the entire procedure outside of a loan, that's outtoo.

I feel like screaming. I feel like my one partner in all of this has betrayed me and I have no one to turn to. I feel alone and more depressed than I have on this entire journey. I don't know what to do, but I'm falling apart.

Moving Forward

This last month has been harder than any of the others, and I haven't dealt with it well. There were many tear fests and moments where poor Alex was undeservedly snapped at.

AF came, and I really truly thought the last cycle was the cycle. We then discussed making the November iui, the seventh iui, our final iui. We would then put iui money into our ivf fund. So, I went along my merry way taking my femara and waiting to produce nice fat follicles for this last cycle. Any sight of a pregnant woman or a small child resulted in me becoming at least slightly teary eyed. I also managed to attend two baby showers, and run into a woman accidentally pregnant with twins the day after I dreamt of being pregnant with twins. On the 17th I went in for my mid-cycle scan and to set up the iui. After looking around for a bit, Ms. B concluded that none of my follicles were mature yet, and that I needed to come in for a repeat scan on the following Monday. So, the weekend passed as I fretted away, and Monday morning finally arrived. After looking around a bit, Dr. S concluded that my follicles still weren't mature, and that there would be no iui this month. He also explained to me that he didn't feel comfortable having us continue treatment. He said the iuis are not working, and our next step needs to be ivf. He is prescribing provera so that I continue to have cycles, and that is that.

I left that appointment feeling as though I had been punched in the stomach. The clomid failed, the femara failed, and there would be no more treatments until we finally scraped up the money for ivf.

Alex and I discussed how ivf would unfold, and honestly, that doesn't sound extremely promising either. We would find a way to do it in July, we aren't concerned about that. We're concerned about the likelihood of success. Dr. S flat out said there's a good chance I just don't have good egg quality, and that our ivf would have a 40% chance of taking home a baby, tops. He didn't sound super confident, and that scares me. We could scrape up the money for one attempt, and if that failed, we would not be able to try again for at least a few years. What if we pay the money and then they find out my eggs are absolute crap? It's scary.

So, after a lot of talk, Alex and I have decided our next step. Instead of trying a round of ivf in the summer, we are going to begin moving towards adoption. I can’t even begin to describe the peace that washed over me. While it still hurts to know that I may never experience pregnancy or holding a baby that has my green eyes and my husband’s brown curls, I’m happy to know that we will have a child. The constant emotional roller coaster over what my body is doing is over. I will still be a mother, and while my child might not grow in my womb, it will grow in my heart.

So now begins a whole new adventure. We have no idea where to start, and it seems like it will be a little overwhelming. Does anyone have any advice? Do you have any recommendations as which is better, using an agency or adopting independently? Ways to raise the funds? How to pass a homestudy? Basically, we will take any advice or directions towards resources! Our main concern right now is our age. We are fairly young (22 and 23) but we are mature and have our lives together. I know we can give a child a loving, healthy home, and I feel that that is all that should matter.

Thank you all so much! <3

She's a comin'

My telltale indicator has finally arrived. I think AF was just toying with me, instead of my week of notice, my chest began to throb today, and she will probably still show up Sunday. Bitch.

She swings, and...

BFN.

I'll test again on Sunday, unless AF shows up, but I'm calling this cycle a bust.

Thanks to my piano class, I have the Miniature Waltz stuck in my head...

Hey everyone! I'm behind, but to be fair, I did make a couple vlogs for Youtube. Does that make it better?

So, IUI #5 was on September 23, which was the day from hell. More on those horrible details in a minute. Absolutely everything was perfect in this cycle. EVERYTHING! My lining was 10.72 mm, and I had two follicles, one on the left (23mm), and one on the right (20mm). Now, as you all know, we have had several poor cycles in regards to DH's numbers. The doctor requested that Alex get a repeat SA, and we still hadn't gotten the results. So, needless to say, we were a little weary about his sample. When they handed us the sample and the paper, we were ready to explode from anticipation! After processing, he had 80.1% motility and... 15.5 MILLION!!! This is the best he has ever done! So, we are pretty excited about this cycle! The actual IUI was actually kinda painful. Usually it's mildly uncomfortable for a couple minutes, but this one HURT, and it continued to hurt for a couple of days afterwards. It was rather odd.

Now, for why that day was the day from hell. We went out of town in order to go work at a Ren Faire, which, like always, was awesome. What wasn't awesome, however, was breaking down an hour and a half from our destination. Luckily it was just thirty minutes from my in laws, where we were planning to make a pit stop to pick up my bil, and so we were rescued. The car was towed to a shop, where we were told our oil light was broken, and because of that, our engine burned up and needed to be replaced. Yay 3000$ that we didn't have! We wound up taking out a large loan so that we could cover both car payments and the repair in one payment. Because of the unexpected additional 7000$ of debt we have managed to fall in to, DH doesn't think we are going to be able to do the IVF in January. We got the paper work for that, and after doing the math, it would be 10,000$, which is so incredibly cheap, but still not something we can afford right now. This particular hospital does four cycles a year (Jan, Apr, Jul, and Aug), so we think we are going to wait until July. That way I am out of class for the summer, and we have even more time to figure out finances. I started a chip in account, so, we'll see how that goes. (Mine is in the right column, if you need help raising any funds, you should make your own account! Check it out!)

So, for now, I'm wading through the tww! Honestly, I don't feel one way or the other. If anything, I think I'm confused. We are about fourish days before AF should show up, and I realized this morning that my boobs don't hurt. Normally by this point, my chest feels like it is dying. I feel nothing. I don't see this as a sign that the iui worked either, because tender breasts are a sign of pregnancy. So, I just don't know. I'm going to test on Friday, and depending on the result, test again on Sunday. Wish me luck!

I hope you ladies are doing well! <3

Thank God for Banana Muffins.

I woke up to DH's accidental alarm this morning, and decided since it was 5:30, I could probably safely test. So, I quickly begin to waddle to the bathroom, full bladder in tow. A few steps down the hall, and I feel it. I sprinted the last couple of feet to the bathroom, and there was AF in all her evil glory.

So, I call the RE's clinic tomorrow to set up the midcycle scan, begin taking Femara on Tuesday, and just all around gear up for iui numero cinco.

This will be my fifth iui... At what point do you give up on a course of treatment? At what point do you sit back and just know that a particular treatment will not work for you? I was so confident about this cycle, it was beautiful... The doctor said there is still a chance the iuis will work, which is why we're going to keep doing them, but I don't know if I believe that anymore. Part of me wonders if they just say that so they can continue to take my money as I cling to hope. Part of me wonders if we should just stop until January when we can do ivf. I know myself, though. I would never be able to just sit here going back to doing nothing... I would constantly wonder if we had tried just one more time, would that have been it?

I realized today that I just finished my twelfth cycle with fertility treatments. One full year of trying with the help of medical professionals. I never thought I'd still be here a year later. I was absolutely positive that we'd start treatments, and then a month or so later our cupcake would finally start to bake... I thought the same thing when we started the iuis.

I kinda just want to mope around, but I have music to learn, chapters to read, homework to do, and a house to clean... So, I will do what all of us do. I will take a deep breath, put on a smile, and do what I have to do. I hope everyone else is having a wonderful cycle, and that you all get the prize. <3

That was disappointing.

Well, I tested this morning and got a BFN. At the same time I got my result, DH's cousin began having contractions. Awesome, right? *sigh* It's 14dpiui, but not necessarily 14dpo, so I'm going to test again on Sunday.

I'm not holding my breath, though.

I said it's hot outside, let me go swimming in your eyes...

Hello ladies! It's been a month since my last update, and it's safe to say a good deal has happened.

AF finally came! Anyone want to guess how far a got? I'll give you a hint, it was more than 66 days, and less than 68. :)

So, I am now at 7dpo, which means I cat test in about 7 more! I'm fairly excited because even though I know I really shouldn't get my hopes up, I have a good feeling. Femara worked BEAUTIFULLY! Do you guys remember my wimpy endo linings on Clomid? 6mm and the likes. With Femara my lining was 10.36mm! That is seriously my best yet! I also had my biggest follies ever! Both were on the side of my remaining tube, and measured at 22mm and 26mm! I honestly don't think I could have asked for better results. All the doctors were super thrilled. I think the best thing has been all the positive comments that have been made... The nurse told us to call when I miss my period, which none of them have ever said. Additionally, DH keeps insisting that I am PUPO. That may not seem like much, but that isn't something that he does. His response is always along the lines of there is no way to know, so I can't tell you what I think. All in all, it was just nice.

DH produced a better sample this time, but it was still a lot lower than they wanted it to be. His last two were 5.9 million with 89% motility and 5.2 million with 72% motility. This one was 7.8 million with 80.5% motility, so like I said, an improvement, just not the minimum of 10 million they really want. The doctor decided DH needs to go in for a repeat SA, and we'll go from there. She said it might come back normal, and his natural fluctuations just aren't lining up the way we'd like it to. If it's abnormal, she is going to refer him to a urologist in the clinic that specializes in this. She said it could be as simple as changing his diet, but it could be as serious as testicular failure. I don't know about you ladies, but I'm rooting for diet. Knowing DH, though, that really is the most likely culprit. The boy eats horribly, but still manages to be fit. It's unfair, and as much as I try to get him to give up his secret, he refuses to budge. So, now I'm focusing on fixing our diet and trying to sneak vegetables into his food. Any suggestions?

So, has anyone else had a pregnancy announcement explosion happen?? As of this moment I currently know seven people who have announced their pregnancy. I wish I could say I'm happy for all of them, but I'm not. about four of them, yes, I am extremely happy for them, just mildly bitter. The final three are in positions and situations where getting pregnant was not the best idea, and a part of me is angry that they accidentally got pregnant while all of us struggle. There's nothing I can do, though, so I just keep my mouth shut.

On the not infertility front, I hope you all stayed dry during the hurricane! We were evacuated, and we're pretty glad we decided to go! It flooded pretty badly out here. We took our car and had no where to take our blazer, so thinking it was fully insured, we left it. When we returned home we discovered that the flood waters came high enough to cover the seats and caused it to no longer start. Upon calling the insurance agency, we discovered that it was in fact not fully insured. As was expected, we were freaking thrilled! Normally, we would have said, yes, this is cruddy, but we can make things work with one vehicle, we've done it before. However, I started classes this last week, and they are thirty minutes away, all day, Monday through Friday. We couldn't make it work with one vehicle, and decided to get a used truck as quickly as possible. So, now our savings is wiped, there is a large charge on the credit card we avoid using, and we have three vehicles in our driveway, only two of which work.

Things are tight and a little difficult right now, but I still feel hope. That's got to be a good thing, right?

Side Note

Does anyone else find it funny that my cycle has stretched on long enough to confuse my MedHelp widget?

It's CD 64, if you were curious.

Ramadan and New Treatments

Ramadan Mubarak! :) This week signaled the beginning of Ramadan,which is a pretty big deal in Islam. It's been a week filled with with food, fasting, friends, oh, and the infertility clinic.

I had my post-op appointment on Tuesday, and it went okay. The doctor told me that I healed beautifully, and that that could not have gone better. She discussed what happened in the surgery a little more. Apparently it was a congenital hydrosalpinx which was all twisty and such. So, that's gone and things should be perfectly back on track. Well, kinda. The doctors in the team have decided that it's on our best interest to move on to IVF. The only issue is that the hospital I would have to go to in order to use my insurance is not able to see us until January. The doctor said that this would give us time to start figuring out how to pay. They also decided that we should try Femara IUIs in the mean time. She said there isn't any reason for them not to work, otherwise it wouldn't be suggested. So, I'm crossing my fingers, yet again.

Right now I'm on Provera to induce my cycle, and then I will start taking 7.5 mg of Femara on cd 3-7. Has anyone else used Femara? What were your thoughts?

Vacation

It's been two weeks since my surgery, and everything is going pretty well. It took me a little longer than most people to get up and moving again, but I'm here now.

I'm on cycle day 43, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Provera in order to get this cycle started. I'm going to ask for a prescription for that and Clomid when I go in for my post-op appointment. I really want to get excited for this next cycle, but I'm having a really hard time. I mean, we've been doing infertility treatments for about a year now, and we haven't gotten far. Granted, we have dealt with a couple underlying issues, but we haven't really seen any results. I just seems like every time we take one step forward, we get shoved twenty steps backwards. Now that we removed the tube, and should be making progress, I just know that something new is going to pop up.

Such is my usual lament.

We were able to go back home for a couple of weeks, and it has been phenomenal. There is just this wave of serenity that washes over me whenever we walk into this house. I feel like all my troubles just melt away, and everything will be okay because family is here. This also happens to be a weekend where several other family members are coming to visit my in-laws Bed & Breakfast. I'm particularly excited because I will be meeting one of my husband's aunts for the first time. Apparently she dealt with her own fertility issues, and she is one of the only other people I have met with infertility. Even if we never speak about it, (and honestly, how do you start that conversation?) it will be nice just to know that someone else in this family understands.

In other news, I turn 22 on Monday! :)

Home sweet home

I had the surgery yesterday morning, and came home later that evening. For what it was, it went pretty well. The went in and found that the tube was covered in cysts. Their theory is that all the cysts are what caused my tube to be filled with fluid and infected. They sent me home with a picture of both tubes!

Three guesses as to which is which.

They did have to remove the tube, which is what I was expecting. The surgeon said that the grippers on the tube were perfectly healthy, but every time they would grab an egg, they just gave it a poison bath. She also said that technically when my left ovary spits out an egg, it is possible for my right tube to grab it. She didn't say how likely that was, but hey, I'll take what I can get. 

Now I am just very sore and sleeping a lot. The only reason I am even awake enough to post this is because my sister and niece came over. They fed me and are now cleaning my house while I am supposed to be napping. I think I'm going to follow their instructions now, I just wanted to give you all an update.

Take care! <3

Driving to the hospital, and I'm kinda scared...

I know, I'm awful.

I've been missing for the last month, and there is no good reason for that. Not too long after the last post, AF showed up, and I went through a spiral of woe is me. I definitely have not been fun to be around, and honestly, I haven't really wanted to interact with anyone. I finally got myself together, and I think I'm okay now. This sucks, yes, but it is what it is. God gives us trials, and as much as I hate it, this is my trial. With hardship comes relief.

So, I go in tomorrow morning for my surgery. I'm still not sure of an exact time, I'll get a call with that sometime today. We are allowed to try naturally whenever we want, but they don't want to do another iui until next month. If AF hasn't shown up in a week or so, I'm going to ask for a round of Provera to get things started, and see if I can get them to give me Clomid and set up our iui... Sure, it will probably be a bit early, but darn it, I want to get back on track!

I just feel like this whole situation, which could have been identified and treated almost a year ago, is putting us so behind. Yet another younger and unprepared person I know just found out she is pregnant... I want my turn, and I don't want to have to keep waiting. I know, I know, its how we all feel. This is the woe is me attitude that I was talking about earlier. Bleh. All I can do is hope.

The news is in...

My doctor (who, turns out, is actually a nurse) called me today with the verdict. She and the other doctors have decided that my HSG from October was indeed abnormal. I am so ridiculously angry right now! That HSG was done at the same clinic that said I had unexplained infertility and that they didn't know what to do for me. They told me that my HSG looked fine. If they had told me back in effing OCTOBER that something was wrong, I could have been pregnant by now! But no, they reffered my mysterious case to another clinic that diagnosed me within MINUTES! And NOW, SEVEN months later, I find out that I'm going to have to have diagnostic surgery that will probably result in the removal of my tube. Effing dandy! Does anyone know how I file a formal complaint?

Ugh!

So, my doctor said we aren't scheduling surgery yet because there is a slim possibility that we conceived this month. By slim, she means it would be pretty amazing, because I ovulated this month on the left, which is where the bad tube is. So, on CD 1, I will be calling to schedule a surgery and pre-op date. They will laprascopically go in and mess with my tube to make a formal diagnosis. Before the surgery I am going to sign a consent form so that if it is as bad as they think it is, they can just remove the tube while they are in there. I'd rather have everything done at one time instead of having multiple surgeries and healing times. I want to get back in the playing field as soon as possible.

The adventure continues...

I had my ultrasound last night at 9 pm. There is nothing quite like driving for 45 minutes in a horrible storm at night to have a date with an u/s tech. We arrived safely, and shuffled into the hospital. I must admit, I was pretty impressed! Most of the hospital was still open, including the pharmacy.

So we walk to radiology and I am met by a very cheery tech who tells me to come on back, but that I have to abandon DH. Were any of you ladies instructed to leave your hubby behind when you went for a diagnostic u/s? Anywho, so I go into the room, hop onto the bed, and get to business. She moves the wand around, takes a few pictures, and then instructs me to get up and go empty my bladder. I happily followed her instructions, as I felt my bladder was going to burst. I come back and she tells me that I am going to have an impromptu date with the dildo wand! Apparently the other ultrasound wasn't good enough. So, I strip and assume the position. I swear she was in there for forever! She eventually found one position, and she kept pushing on my left side, furrowing her brow, and barely adjusting the wand. She did it so many times I eventually offered to press down on the side for her. She told me she was trying to discern whether or not something was a cyst or my ovary. I commented that the nurse had had the same issue, to which the tech replied, "Yeah, they are very close." I motioned the the area she kept pressing, asked if that was where the cyst was, because I had been feeling some discomfort there. Turns out, yep, that is exactly where the cyst is. She finally finished, and told me that the radiologist would read it in the morning, and my doctor would have it in about three days.

I received a call from my doctor TODAY wanting to talk about my ultrasound results. Apparently things started moving along much more quickly than anticipated. She started the conversation by telling me that the cyst is big, but it looks fine. The cyst shouldn't cause any additional problems with our fertility. Before I could get all excited for the good news, she ruined it by starting the next sentence with "however." "However, your left tube is enlarged, which can cause additional problems with your infertility." Of course it is. Why would I expect anything else? I asked her what this might mean, and she said she thinks it's hydrosalpinx. She needed me to get a CD of my HSG from last year because she wasn't able to access it from her system. Either that, or if this cycle fails, I would need to get another HSG done. Upon remembering my last HSG, I agreed to pick up the CD. She said she is confused because if this doesn't just happen, if I had it it should have shown up in that HSG. All I can think about is the tech telling me one of my tubes was abnormally shaped, but not blocked, and not to worry. What if that was something, and since it has taken so long to have anyone notice that it may be serious, I'm in an even more difficult situation? She was telling me that if it is a hydrosalpinx, they may have to remove that tube. That was precisely what I wanted to hear! "If you have never had difficulty getting pregnant, the normal pregnancy rate after salpingectomy is 70-85%.  If you had difficulty conceiving prior to the removal of your fallopian tube the normal pregnancy rate is about 10%." Just peachy! Wonderful! Possible surgery and an even more difficult time having a baby? I couldn't ask for a better situation!


I am just ready to scream. Why can nothing be simple? I take her the CD in the morning, and then she is going to call me as soon as she and the other doctors look at it. Please, just keep us in your prayers...

One thing after another

My mid-cycle scan was yesterday, and the IUI was today.

The scan was... interesting. I only produced one follie, and I wasn't told how big it was. My lining however, was beautiful! It measured at about a centimeter thick! :) That's my best yet! The downside of the scan was that they found a very large cyst on my left tube. At first, the nurse thought it was actually my left ovary. She said it is probably nothing, and probably won't cause more problems with our fertility, but she wants it checked out anyways. So, I go in next week at 9 pm for a formal u/s. Woot.

Today was an adventure all of its own. Our appointment was at 8 am, which meant I had to be up at about 6, which means I was not in the best of spirits.As a general rule, I never get up before 9... except for just about all this week. Needless to say, it's been a very sad week. We went in and DH did his thing... His numbers were lower this time, which just sucks.  Pre-wash he was at 15.9 million with 53% motility. Post-wash he was  5.2 million with 72% motility. I keep telling myself that it only takes one, but it still doesn't feel very hopeful. I'm crossing my fingers, though, because if it doesn't work this month, we are going to have to take a month off. We are going out of town for two weeks, and everything is going to happen during the middle of my next cycle. So, I'll take my OPKs with me and hope for the best... I just hope I won't have to worry about it.

Busy bee

So much has been going on recently. I had an audition to get into the music program at the university I am transferring to. I got in, by the way, which made me so ridiculously happy! I had a choir concert, which included two solos :) That was exhilarating! This was then followed by many rehearsals and my graduation from community college. I am now have a college degree! Woot! I can't do anything with it, yet, but it's something! I'm the first person in my family to even graduate from high school, so this is a major accomplishment!

As for the TTC side of my life, it's the same old song and dance. AF came and left. This month was probably one of my lightest cycles, but I am not complaining. It did have me very confused, though. So much so that I took another test out of pure madness. Of course, this was still a BFN. I go in for my mid-cycle scan on Thursday, and was told that our IUI will probably be on Friday. Like I said, nothing is really new. My life is lived in predictable two week chunks. Get AF, wait two weeks, have IUI, wait two weeks,test, rinse and repeat. It makes life somewhat monotonous, and not reassuring at all.

I don't know how many of you read Postsecret, but one secret in particular pissed me off.

I also managed to find this news article recently: Girl kept in crib box for a year

I will never understand why people like this are blessed with children. Stories like this make me want to smack people who tell me "It'll happen when God decides you're ready."

Sigh

Well, at least I was expecting this... IUI#2 = BFN.

Now I'm just waiting on AF so I can call and schedule my midcycle scan for IUI#3. It shouldn't be too long, AF is definitely making it known she is on the way.

I can't believe I'm already almost at the end of the road with IUI... The doctor is only approving us for four... So, if it doesn't work in the next two cycles, DH and I are going to have to go on a three year hiatus. There is just no way we can afford to do IVF right now. Granted, we can get it done at a certain military training facility  for a discounted price, but it still is nowhere near being something we can afford... So, we're going to have to wait three years so we can either use DH's re-enlistment bonus or his FAA sign-in bonus. Either way, three years is longer than I want to think about... If we're having this much trouble at 21, how much worse is it going to be at 24, 25?

I'm starting to lose faith.

Half way through the 2WW

Well, more than half way through, 5/7 of the way through, to be exact. This has to have been the easiest 2WW ever... I think it's a mix of having been ridiculously busy and just not feeling confident about the cycle. I just really haven't gotten my hopes up whatsoever because I legitimately don't think it worked.

I had to don my af bra today. It's always a great day in my cycle when I graduate from a 38DD to a 38 DDD. At least, my husband appreciates it. I, however, could do without the achy chest. As of current, I am a little bloaty and like I said, my chest has sorefully grown.

So, after I take my test on Friday, Alexander and I are going to plan a day at Busch Gardens. Why the hell not?

IUI numero dos is complete!

We went in today for IUI #2, and I was much happier this time around. We knew where we were going, so we weren't late, which definitely started things off on a good note. DH went and did his thing, and I had really high expectations this time around. Last month he had 11 million sperm with 87% motility post wash. This month he had 5.9 million with 89% motility.

When I saw those numbers I got really discouraged. His numbers were double this last time, and we didn't get pregnant. On the way to Portsmouth I Googled good sperm counts for IUI, and I saw that doctors like to see between 5-10 million. So, we're over that minimum, so maybe it will still work out. I'm trying to focus on all the things that are good about this cycle. My lining is good, my follies were bigger, we were over the sperm minimum, and the process happened much more quickly.

When we got to Portsmouth it was early enough that we were able to have the IUI done in the infertility clinic instead of labour and delivery. It was much less depressing. Unfortunately Dr. R was still in surgery, so I got a doctor I've never met. I was unhappy with this at first, but this doctor, Dr. S, was awesome! It must be something about the doctors at this clinic, because I have loved them all! He was absolutely great! He told me our numbers and assured me that as long as it is over 5 million he is happy. After explaining this to me he turned to DH and asked if he wanted to do the insemination. It was obvious that DH was not expecting this, and to be honest, neither was I. DH decided to do it, and afterwards he said he was glad he did. It made it more between us, he still did the deed, not some random doctor. I liked it. What I did not like, however, was the lack of lubrication when it came to the speculum! The doctor at my last IUI was not shy with the lube, so this was surprising. Surprising and uncomfortable. Oh my gosh! I have to share this with you ladies, but be prepared for possible tmi. <tmi> As he was about to insert the speculum he did the routine "You'll feel my hand," and "Okay, I'm going to insert one finger into the vagina." All very normal. What I was not expecting was for him to stretch my vagina open! I swear to you it felt like he was going to make it touch the table! It didn't hurt, it just felt weird. </tmi> The actual procedure was more uncomfortable this time... Before it was a little crampy, but it was really nothing. This time there was a lot more cramping! It lasted for a couple of hours after the IUI, when last time really wasn't uncomfortable for that long. Maybe that just means he really got the little guys where they need to be!

So, a close friend of mine informed me last month that she and her girlfriend had decided to try for a baby. They found a donor and were going through the whole IUI process. She did everything unmedicated, and just went in the morning after she got a positive OPK. She went in for her IUI about a week and a half after I did mine. I completely expected that she would not get pregnant this first time. I mean, honestly, how many of us conceive with our first IUI? Well, apparently she does. She texted me this morning, and I just didn't know what to say. I'm happy for her because I love her and I know that she is going to be an AWESOME mom... But I'm also super jealous. She isn't on any of the crazy hormones that we're on, she didn't have to get a giant shot in her bum, she hasn't had to let every person in a white coat (or camo scrubs, as is often my case) look at her lady business, and she got pregnant this first round. I always get jealous of people who get pregnant as soon as they start to try. It makes me feel like a bad friend because I'm not as happy for her as I feel I should be. It's just hard... So now I'm just left hoping that this IUI works so that I can be more fully excited for both of us.

Midcycle Scan For IUI#2

I went in today, and got my favourite doctor, Dr. R. She said she was really interested to see what my lining did this month, so we got straight to business. Last month my lining measured at 4.12mm, this month it is *drum roll* between 6.5 and 7mm! Woot! She said it is a beautiful lining. She then scanned over to my right ovary, where a big fat 20mm follie was sitting. Beside it there was another follie that measured 17.5mm. A scan over to the left revealed ANOTHER follie that was 17.6mm! Dr. R was super excited to see all of this. She said that with my dominant follie being so big, she wanted me to trigger before I left the office and set up a time for tomorrow. Sooooooooo, we go in tomorrow at 1:30 to acquire the goods from DH, and then we'll zip over to the clinic. Dr. R told me that as long as she gets out of surgery by the time we show up, she'll do the IUI.

I am extremely excited by the results, but I'm still very cautious. I'm starting to be in the place where I just don't expect it to happen. I just see us going through treatment after treatment and getting no where. DH and I briefly discussed the possibility of adoption yesterday. We're definitely still a ways away from that, but it's something we need to discuss. I'm all for adopting, if it comes to that, but DH is weary.  He is afraid that he wouldn't be able to love the child. He especially feels this way if we were to adopt a boy. He says he could see himself becoming wonderful friends with the boy, but he just doesn't know if he would love him. As for a daughter, he feels like he would be more likely to love a girl, but he still isn't positive. He told me his biggest fear about adopting a daughter would be for her to grow up and him to find her attractive. I had never thought about that possibility. I tried explaining to him that if he raised a child, regardless of gender, he would love the child. I believe that raising a child will make you love them... Well, in most cases. Either way, I have to acknowledge his fears so that we can work past them. Like I said, it is still a ways off, especially since we don't meet the age requirements in most places. That alone makes it so that we would have to wait about three more years. So, we have time to finish treatments and work through DH's fears.

For those who have adopted, did your hubby's have similar fears? How did they work past it?

I was definitely in a talent show last night

I have proof! See?!

I didn't win, but I'm okay with that :) I almost didn't do it, but I am so glad I did! I had fun, and I think my confidence has grown a bit! It was especially nice to be a part of something that was for a good cause. All the profit went towards tsunami relief.

You have to turn up the volume, or at least I did, but here is our talent show winner!

 The girl who recorded it is laughing pretty loudly in some places, so if you are wearing earbuds, beware. He did a super awesome job, and totally deserved the 100$!

It was a night bursting at the seams with amazingly talented people, and I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my Wednesday night!

Let's do this Friday night leftovers thing!

Friday Night Leftovers

• I really wish DH had given me more notice about the squadron Easter potluck tomorrow.
• A certain friend I have previously discussed on here is becoming unbearable. I find myself searching for reasons not to have to see her. It makes me feel horrible, but I just can't handle her on top of everything else going on in my life. 
• I audition to get into my new University's music program on the 28th. I am ridiculously nervous because the songs I will be performing are difficult and at the top of my range. 
• My Metformin is slowly becoming more bearable, which is a relief!
• My kitty is sick, and has been for a long time. We took her to the vet about it when things started, and were told that it was a respiratory infection. He gave us antibiotics and said that if they didn't work then the infection was viral and she would have to just fight it off. That was two years ago, and she still hasn't gotten better. She has actually gotten worse lately. We keep having to clean her nose, you can hear her breathing from across the room, and she'll go into these random wheezing fits. All we can do is sit and watch her, and it is just heartbreaking. I want to just hold her and love her, but we can't because she smells so bad. The smell isn't on her, it's in her. It's really hard to explain. We're going to set up another appointment for her very soon. She isn't very young anymore, she's about 9, and I'm worried about her.
• I am starving and debating whether or not I should wait for DH to get home in about an hour and a half.
• I wish my blog looked snazzier.

Book Club!

I went to my very first book club meeting today! I decided that I need to interact with more humans, and what better way than by bonding over a book while eating Mexican food? I was pretty excited, even though I didn't read the book.

Instead of discussing the book, I was bombarded by "How old are your kids?" and "Well when do you plan to finally get pregnant?" Not exactly what I was expecting. I answered their questions politely, although I had a few sharp answers in my head. Then the ladies yap yap yapped about how horrible their pregnancies were, and how breastfeeding was just unnatural, and that women who did natural births are crazy, as are women who breastfeed. It was nonstop talk about babies, play dates, and dissing natural holistic labours and breastfeeding (both of which are things I wholeheartedly support and want to take part in). Needless to say, I felt extremely awkward. I don't think I'm going to go again next month.

Today is cycle day five, and that means I start my Clomid. What's that, you say? Clomid? You thought the doctor planned to try a different medicine, you say? Yeah, so did I. I called on Monday to see what we were doing, and was informed that I should take Clomid on cycle days 5-9 and then come in on the 21st for my midcycle scan. I mentioned that my doctor had said we would probably try a different medicine since my lining was so thin. The nurse then put me on hold so that she could discuss this with the doctor, since there was no note in my file. She came back and said my doctor wanted another Clomid IUI since we had only done the one. Needless to say, I am rather annoyed by this. This will be my eighth round of Clomid, and frankly, it isn't getting me anywhere, so what is the point? Additionally, the doctor was concerned that the CLOMID was the cause of my thin lining. Why would we test that again? Aren't we trying to get results? I feel like a science experiment! So, I am not going to hold my breath for this cycle, I see it going exactly the way it did last time. :(

Warning: This is a vent.

This is going to be rambly and pissy and whiny, but I don't care because it's my blog and I am angry.

IT'S NOT FAIR. IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR.

I hate that the prerequisite for having children seems to be an addiction to drugs and bad decisions. I hate all the freaking people who have children don't acknowledge how truly lucky they are. I hate that I have had so many doctors blame me for my infertility because I am overweight. Overweight, mind you, not obese, overweight. I hate that we went so freaking long without a diagnosis because doctors were too lazy to look for themselves. I hate that one doctor didn't know what she was doing and made me wait four months longer than I had to and got angry at me when I called her about it. I hate that I keep being told to lose weight to make things easier, but the fucking PCOS makes it so hard to lose the damn weight. I hate that when I am super stressed mashed potatoes make me feel better, and I can't eat them anymore. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate feeling like I'm letting my husband down. I hate how tired I am all the time. I hate how sick I constantly feel. I hate how depressed I'm becoming. I hate that I think my husband's cousin is shoving her unplanned pregnancy in my face because she hates me. No joke, she sincerely hates me, or at least acted like she did until she became pregnant and now she acts like it is her mission in life to keep me updated. I hate that I don't know what to do or where to go or what is coming. I hate that I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel anymore. I hate that I keep getting my hopes up every month just to feel ridiculous in the end. I hate that I have to put on a smile every morning and pretend that everything is okay. It isn't.

I'm having difficulty coming up with something witty

I spent the entire day yesterday thinking it was Thursday, and woke up this morning thinking it was Friday. So, I tested. The biggest fattest negative stared up at me three minutes later.

I said that I wasn't holding my breath for this cycle, and honestly I didn't think I was. Imagine my surprise when it really seemed like I had been holding my breath. I guess part of me was really holding onto the tiny chance that there still was. I mean, any of us would. It just really really hurts...

I've had my moments off and on today where I just cried. What I don't think a lot of people understand is that at the end of every cycle, whether it's a BFN or the dreaded arrival of AF, you go through a little mourning period. Especially if you had strong hopes for that particular cycle! You begin to grow these beautiful ideas about how this is finally it! You calculate the potential due date, and the baby shower you will finally get, and the midwifery center you have been recommending to the newly pregnant women you keep meeting. Most of all, you have to mourn the child you thought you would hold. You honestly go through a feeling of loss. It doesn't help that you also get bombarded by pregnancy announcements, belly pics, and parents complaining about their kids. It just really sucks.

So, now I'm just waiting for AF to rear her ugly head. If she hasn't shown up by Monday I'm going to call the clinic and see what to do now.

I think I'm going to go take a nap.

Le sigh

I tested today, and got a bfn. :( I'm wondering if maybe this cycle is out... I just feel like if it worked the test would have come up positive at this point. However, I guess it is only 11dpiui, and maybe, just maybe it will change in three days. I'm not holding my breath though.

Umm, so, yeah...

Apparently we can add mood swings to that list of maybe symptoms. I definitely posted that last blog and calmly walked to DH to talk. He was playing a video game, and was distracted. I then declared that I was going to go get a bath and quickly walked to the bedroom. This is where I had a very uncharacteristic break down. I started sobbing about how he just wasn't attracted to me anymore because I'm fat and how he was probably glad we had the IUI so he wouldn't have to have sex with me for us to have a baby. So I don't sound completely crazy there, I've been hinting that I have wanted some *ahem* fun time. However, he has been out of zinc, and therefore has not been in the mood. Wednesday will make two weeks, and I am getting antsy! As soon as I mentioned to myself the IUI I started crying about all the obvious reasons the IUI didn't work. This would include the fact that we didn't seal the deal. I then laid in bed just crying my eyes out.

Shortly thereafter, I felt perfectly fine and went on to enjoy my warm bath.

I think I'm losing my mind.

I was sittin', waitin', wishin'...

So, it is currently 9dpiui, and I am growing restless. I'm exhausted, am breaking out, and my boobs feel like someone just beat them with a hammer. I'm trying to tell myself that it is early for it to be AF symptoms (and to be fair, I usually don't have symptoms until a few days before) but I also know it is far too early for these to be pregnancy symptoms. A girl can dream though, right?

I took a test at 5dpiui just to see a positive. I know that in the long run that will probably just make things feel worse, but a sick part of me wanted needed to see it. I got to see it, those two pink lines that I have been longing for for a really long time. The test line was really light, but it was definitely there. The emotions I felt were odd... I wasn't sad to know that it was a pretend line, I wasn't tricking myself into thinking it was real, it was very matter of fact. This is pretend, and that is that.

I took another test yesterday at 8dpiui, and I got another positive... It was so faint I had to be in the perfect lighting to see it. For a while I thought maybe it was an imaginary line, but upon further investigation, I decided that it was, indeed, there. This one I have torn feelings on. All those tests say they can detect pregnancy six days before the missed period, and that would have been yesterday. So, between how incredibly faint the positive was and the whole early detection thing, I really want to think that it was real. So, I'm not too sure what to think. I know that there is still a good chance that the trigger is still in my system, but I want it to be real so badly...

I decided that I will be taking another test on Tuesday, 11dpiui, and then another on Friday. Friday should be the day of truth, but just in case, I will have one test left. Thank God for Dollar Store HPTs! I've decided that since the line was so faint yesterday, by Tuesday it should either be negative or darker...

At this point I honestly can't say whether I think it worked or not. I'm just not sure. This is strange for me, because I usually have an opinion one way or the other... This time I've got nothing. All I know is that I was feeling some sharp pains today, and I'm hoping they were just from a baby getting nice and cozy for its nine month stay...

Contest!

Hey guys! Julia has a pretty nice contest going on over at "Just Relax" Go check it out, you only have until the 15th!

Mind games

I know it's only been a couple days, but my mind is already going crazy. I want this to have worked so badly because the timing would be so perfect... That simple fact is making me feel like this is obviously going to fail. Then I get to thinking about all the women who go through IUI, and how it seems like so few of them get pregnant through it. Then I think about how long it took to get the sample in, and the Dr. Pepper I drank, and that stupid vacuum I had to hoist up. Most of all, I think about how thin my endometrial lining was. 4.12mm, and everything I'm reading says it really should be around 7mm at time of the IUI. I'm so afraid that that plus all these other stupid things are just going to tip the scales out of my favour. I'm trying to convince myself that it might have thickened in the three days following the mid-cycle scan, but I'm not doing a good job. :(

However, then I think about how wonderful it would be if I did finally get that BFP... We planned how we are going to announce it to family when we go out there on the 12th. I picture my MIL and SIL faces at the news. I imagine my reaction to the news. I picture myself telling DH he is finally going to be a daddy... I get swept up in this little happy fantasy, until that ice cold fear slaps me again.

It's going to be a very long 12 more days.

And the 2ww begins!

Alex gave me the HCG shot last night, and honestly it wasn't nearly as horrible as I was expecting it to be. I think my main problem is that I am terrified of needles, and I decided to research via Youtube before the injection. There I found multiple women screaming out as they received their shots. I think the worst was a demonstration video where the nurse stabbed the needle rather roughly. So, I had just really worked myself up before the shot. In the end I sobbed in terror, tearfully accused DH of not knowing what he was doing when he almost forgot to clean the area, and then felt silly as I happily sipped my banana pudding reward milkshake. :) My bum is still sore, but all is well.

The IUI today was a little stressful. DH came home from work and we began the journey. We, of course, got lost because we had to go to a different location in order to wash the gold. When we eventually arrived, twenty minutes late for the appointment, things went smoothly for a bit. DH performed well, and the results were pretty good. He produced 37.8 million with 35% motility. After the wash he had 11 million with 84% motility. I think that's pretty good, right? We received the gold and were told to get it to the hospital and injected within the next 2 1/2 hours.

At this point, of course things go downhill. We spent half an hour stuck in traffic. We finally got to the labour and delivery ward, and were sitting in the waiting room for another half hour. Being Muslim and preferring not to have men (other than DH) dealing with my lady parts, I requested a female physician, but said I would take a male if need be. They nurse said it would be no problem whatsoever. When we were eventually called back I was a bundle of nerves and excitement. The lady walked us to the room and instructed me to do the routine disrobing. She mentioned that something wasn't in the room and that she'd be right back. After she left I undressed and plopped down on the bed, terrified of moving too much and disrupting my little friends hanging out in my top. So I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting there, and I eventually start reading. After a while I look up at the clock and realize I've been sitting there for thirty minutes. I mention this to DH, and he goes out to ensure that we weren't forgotten. The nurse told him that they were just waiting on the doctor to finish. Apparently there were only three female doctors on duty, one of which was in surgery, one was in the E.R., and the other was seeing patients. She assured him that it would be very soon, and sent him back. At this point the little guys have been hanging out for an hour and a half, and I was getting nervous. I went back to my reading and eventually noticed that another 45 minutes have passed. This makes it two hours and fifteenish minutes. We had fifteen minutes to get those suckers in or else this was shot. I panicked and told DH to tell them I didn't care if it was a monkey who was performing the procedure, I just needed it done! I'm sure he didn't phrase it quite like that, but he came back saying a male doctor told him he was on his way. At this point I am beginning to feel a bit of relief. Everything is going to be done just in the knick of time. So I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting there. Another twenty minutes go by and I start to tear up. I was so angry that I just had to be picky and this was all my fault. Then the doctor walks in apologizing for the wait. I explained my concerns, and he informed me that I had approximately eight hours before they sample 100% had to be injected. I felt as if a massive weight had lifted off of me haha! He assured me that it was fine and our chances weren't going to go down at all. He quickly did the procedure (which was a little uncomfortable, but fine) and then I just had to lay there for thirty minutes.

All in all, besides my mini panic attack, it went pretty well! Now comes the worst part, the waiting. I know I'm going to want to start testing within a week, but I'm so afraid to! I'm so afraid that I'm going to test and get excited over a BFP just to find out that it was the remaining HCG... Generally how long did you ladies wait?

<3

Beginning to panic...

I keep thinking about the HCG trigger tonight, and I am really starting to freak out. I have never had an intramuscular shot, and the idea of my untrained husband giving me my first is a little terrifying! So, I need to know, and I need to know soon, how bad is the shot?

I'll be patiently trembling on my couch. <3

Hey ya!

I went for my mid-cycle scan today, and it went really well! My right ovary is all poly-cystic and is sad with no follies. A quick swoop to the left ovary showed much happier results! I have a nice fat follie that is measuring 17mm, one that is 16mm and I believe she said one that is 12mm. Soooooo Clomid did its job! Woot! The only downside is that my endometrial stripe is only 4.12mm. The doctor wasn't thrilled about that and said if the IUI doesn't work then we are going to switch to a different medication next time.

I was given my HCG trigger kit and told to inject myself on Thursday evening.

That's right, I will no longer be able to say I have never shot up.

We go in on Friday to drop off DH's sample at the obstacle course. After couple hours we will take the gold to the labour and delivery center (my clinic will be closed) and I will be spermified! 

This is surreal! We've gone so long with doctors telling us they have no answers, and within a couple weeks not only do I have a diagnosis, but I have an IUI date! I'm really trying not to get my hopes up, because the odds are still slim, but it's hard. I mean, how perfect would this be? I am going home April 12-15, which will be 18dpiui, so I should definitely know by then. Also, this would make my due date around Christmas. It would just be perfect.

*Yawn*

I've been so tired lately, and I'm not completely sure why. I've upped my dose of Metformin, and the fun just keeps coming. I was extremely sick for a couple of days, but thank God that is done! Now it's just a bit of nausea, and I can handle that.

I go in for my mid-cycle scan tomorrow morning... I'm really hoping that my ovaries are doing their job! Good follicles would be absolutely amazing!

I'll update you all tomorrow or the day after. Please keep your fingers crossed!

To all those who have dealt with Metformin

Does the suckage stop??

Opinion time

The doctor told me to take 9 days of Provera and call her on my first day of flow after finishing the pills. I took my first pill on the 9th, and spotted all day on the 10th. If I start full flow today (technically the 11th haha it's 12:01) I will be completely off my period by the time I finish my Provera. Should I call the doctor and see if she wants me to do something different? I hate starting cycles with Provera because I always worry something like this will happen.

Teh Appointment

As a recap, at this point my previous doctors have tested every hormone possible, shot dye into my uterus, had every person in a white coat look at my lady business, and told me they have no idea what is wrong. I've been told that all my hormones are normal, some are a little off, but still well within normal. They labeled me as having unexplained infertility. I've been taking Clomid for six months now, and the dose I took in January failed. 

I went to Portsmouth yesterday for my first appointment with an actual infertility specialist. After going over a quick list of questions and informing me that she thoroughly went over my file the day before, she decided to do a quick scan herself. I got a quickie with the dildo wand and all I heard was her counting. What was she counting, you ask? Somewhere between 15 and 20 cysts on one ovary. She moved to the next ovary an didn't even bother counting because it looked just as bad as the first ovary. She informed me that my high LH and prolactin levels, my lack of menstrual cycles, and all the cysts mean I have PCOS. 

Getting the actual diagnosis was bitter sweet. I am so incredibly happy to have an actual diagnosis so we can effectively treat the problem. However, at the same time it is sad to know that something is actually wrong with you. 

Soooooo, we are starting a new treatment plan. The doctor prescribed prenatal vitamins (she is the first doctor to do so), Provera to start my cycle, and Metformin for the insulin resistance. Up side, the doctor said the Metformin should aid in weight loss. Woot! On the first day of my cycle I am to call my doctor to schedule a mid-cycle scan. On day three I go in for fasting blood work. On day five I will begin taking my Clomid until cycle day 9. Between cycle day 12 and 14 I will go in for the mid-cycle scan. This scan will be used to see if the Clomid did its job. If it did I should have produced follicles. These follicles will be measured, and if everything goes well, we will be doing our first round of IUI. If the Clomid does not work we will try Letrozole with the next cycle. We plan do four rounds of IUI before deciding to evaluate our other options.

I really hope this works...

Any suggestions?

As advised, I started putting together a list of questions for my appointment. These are what I have so far. Any suggestions for more?


*What are the possible reasons we haven't yet conceived?
*What kinds of tests do we still need?
*What treatment do you reccomend trying next?
*What side effects are associated with the treatment you're recommending?
*What is the likelihood of conceiving multiples with the treatment you're recommending?
*What is your success rate?
*For how many cycles will we try this treatment?
*If the first treatment doesn't work, what will you recommend trying next?
*Are there any long-term complications associated with this or other infertility treatments?
*When can we begin treatments?
*Will you be performing the procedures, or will it be a nurse?
*Will I be doing all my labwork here, or can some of it be done at Langley?
*When is the lab open?

Holy crap!

After being told that there was a three month wait to be seen at the infertility clinic, I completely expected to get super suck news today. I think the proper assumption would be that when I called today, my appointment would be set for about three months from now. Guess again! March 8th. MARCH FREAKING EIGHTH! That's just 22 days from now! DH is already asking for the day off  :o) I finally feel like we're getting somewhere! I'm really hoping we can breeze through a lot of the typical tests and such since we already did them. However, with my luck, they'll want to do everything all over again. Ahh well, here's to hoping! <3

Well, that explains it...

It is currently cycle day 31, which is usually when AF shows up if I've been taking Clomid. However, I never tested positive for ovulation, and there is no sign of AF showing up in the near future. I'm kinda hoping I ninja ovulated... So, I'm going to wait about a week, and if AF hasn't shown up, I'm going to test.

Oh! Oh! I have news! Well, kind of, anyways. I was talking to a close friend about waiting for Portsmouth to call, and really hoping that it happened soon. She proceeded to tell me that whenever they get a referral to Portsmouth (which is a lot, since they have a special needs daughter), they have to call to make the appointment. She said they have never been called by Portsmouth to get an appointment. This made me a little nervous, because I've been patiently waiting for several months now. I decided that the next morning, which was yesterday, that I was going to call Portsmouth myself, just to be sure. I left a message at the infertility clinic, and practically had a stare down with my phone for several hours afterwards. The lady at the clinic eventually called me back with the news I was dreading. She informed me that there had been a referral in the system, but I would need a new one. It turns out that I was supposed to call the clinic within 30 days of the referral to set up my initial appointment. She explained the referral procedure to me, and informed me that my doctor really should have known better than to tell me to wait for a call. She let me know that if I got a new referral put in that afternoon, that I could call her directly on Monday to set an appointment. I'm very annoyed with  my doctor, but the new referral is in and an appointment should be made on Monday. MONDAY! That is so incredibly exciting! I feel like after all this time we're finally going to start getting somewhere. I just wish we hadn't wasted months due to incorrect instructions.

I hope all you ladies are doing well! <3

Spiraling

This has just been a rather cruddy time. Updating would have happened much sooner, but very important things were going on... In other words, DH and I discovered 30 Rock. ^_^ Good show. (Except for the season 4 finale when we all find out that Avery is pregnant. Booo!)

So, to start it all off, I discovered that an a not so close friend of mine is pregnant with her third child. All three children have been conceived while on birth control, this one while on the iud. Seriously, how is this possible? How? They didn't even know she was pregnant until she was almost 3 months along. At the end of the conversation she invited me to her daughter's first birthday party, which was two days later. I said yes, but I blew it off. I felt bad because the baby didn't do anything... But at the same time I have met this little girl 3 times, she won't remember, and I cannot handle being around pregnant women and babies right now. I just can't.

Then, the lady who trained me as a doula came in to town so that the other ladies and I could tour the local hospitals and get our names out. I knew this was going to be hard, but I tried to prepare myself ahead of time. Almost as soon as we got to the hospital, I saw a lady being wheeled out with her newborn, all swaddled in pink. The eyes burned, but I held it together. Then we started touring, and it just got harder and harder. We checked out the labour rooms, and all I could think was "I'm never going to be on the other side of this." We also saw a midwifery center, and the walls were covered in the footprints of all the babies delivered there. It was a sea of pink and blue... At another hospital we were talking to one of the nurses,and one of the ladies asked if a mother was delivering inthe room behind us. The nurse said yes, and I swear to you, not ten seconds later a baby started crying. I almost lost it right then and there. I just don't think you can fully prepare yourself to be bombarded by the thing you want most but can't have.

I think the icing on the cake is that I still haven't ovulated. The latest I've ever ovulated on Clomid is cd 18. Today is cd 18 and there was no smilie face of awesomeness. I'm also out of OPKs so I'm going to have to pick more up tomorrow... I googled the situation, and some sources were saying that you can grow immune to Clomid... Does anyone know if that's true? I mean... After 6 months of using this, maybe it's just not working anymore. What do I do now?

Bring it!

AF was late, so I tested Wednesday, and it ended with a BFN. I wasn't terribly down about it because, like I said, I was expecting it. AF showed up yesterday, so it's definite.

So, this is the beginning of cycle number six with Clomid. I've been trying to Google it to see some glimmer of hope, but I keep coming up dry. What I do seem to find are an awful lot of people saying "If you're going to get pregnant on Clomid it will happen by cycle three." That's what I came into Clomid expecting. I expected that we would use the Clomid, know exactly when ovulation was happening, and boom! Probably not the first round, but maybe by the second, and definitely by the third. Now we're on number 6...

I still have another month or two before I can even expect to hear from Portsmouth for our initial appointments... I also only have one refill for Clomid left... The possible gap in treatments has me nervous. My doctor doesn't want me to use Clomid beyond round 7, and I'm sure Portsmouth is going to want to run more tests before they start the next step... We've gone this long with treatment without success, I just don't want to add to the time without treatment... Does that make sense?

As for updating the situation with the certain friend, a confrontation was had. I basically said what I said here, only with a bit of tweaking so as to be user friendly. She got defensive and angry, which I suppose is to be expected. She then informed me that she feels really sorry for me because I live my life like this. She continued to say that she feels sorry for me because I put my life on hold and "take a pregnancy test every single day" dreaming that it will be positive. Needless to say, little miss nice Kaylei decided to let OH HELL NO! Kaylei take center stage. It was very difficult not to tell her that I did not need life advice from a married woman who does everything in her power to constantly be in the presence of her gay music professor that she has an obsession with, and is legitimately in love with... That was bitchy PMS Kaylei... She got put aside for a better time. Instead, I informed her that I wasn't putting my life on hold, I am taking it where I want it to go. I'm not giving up my dreams, I've simply discovered new ones that are more important. I've grown up and I've set my priorities in the order they need to be in. And I do not take a pregnancy test every day. I pee on a stick and average of eleven times a month, and only 2-3 of those are pregnancy tests. The others are so I actually have a chance at becoming pregnant. I think it scares her that I am so willing to do everything I am for a baby. She sees a baby as the end of her life. I'm putting myself through hell, putting aside things that are important to her, just to get a baby, which, in her eyes, is the end of my life. I don't think she understands how I could want to do that. She just isn't there yet, she still has her own growing up to do. In the end, we agreed to disagree and leave it at that. I think it was the best decision in order to offer our now shaky friendship some kind of safety. I learned that there are some friends who just can't handle this sort of thing. I will no longer be sharing anything IF related with her.

I'm out of town now, visiting my best friend, and I'm just going to enjoy the time away. No worrying about jerkish comments from friends, just having a good time... (And trying to ignore how cute her 4 month old niece is!) I'm just going to relax until I start taking the Clomid in about three days. Then I get to enjoy the roller coaster that is Clomid. Hormones, pimples, and exhaustion... Oh my!

Here is to high hopes for the near future!

Wow, this really needs to start picking up...

Can I blame the holidays? I think I will, even if everyone else says I can't. Take that Blogger!

Ahem...

So, happy new year everyone! I hope things have been going well! I've been bad about reading everyone's blogs... Sorry! *hugs* Better? I'll try to get caught up, I promise!

I went to visit family on the opposite side of Virginia, and had a great time! My in-laws just opened a bed and breakfast, and we got to stay in one of the rooms. It was ridiculously nice! I'm not just saying that because they're family, if it was crap, I'd say so. With that in mind, if you're visiting Virginia and want to stay at a super nice b&b that offers wine tours, you should check out Thistle Ridge Bed and Breakfast. They also have a Facebook page. Okay, I'm done advertising, I promise ^_^

On the infertility front, there isn't a lot to report. I am supposed to test in the morning, but I managed to forget to stop at the store. To be completely honest, I don't think it happened this month. It was another cycle of perfect timing, day before, day of and day after... By 3 dpo it felt like someone had taken a hammer to my chest. Normally this would make my heart leap and I would swear there was a baby residing in my womb. However, seeing as this is round five of Clomid, I've come to notice that this seems to be a trend. My boobs get ridiculously sore soon after ovulation, and AF shows up right on time.

However, being the POAS addict I am, I already tested twice, once at 8 dpo, and again at 11 dpo. Both were BFNs, but with both tests I nearly had a heart attack because I SWORE I saw two lines at the very beginning. With the first test, I saw a line, and just figured it was the test line... But THEN the test line showed up! I was so excited my heart literally jumped into my throat!  However, the initial line I thought I saw wasn't there. I was sure it had just gone into hiding until the three minutes were up, so I waited for seven minutes and I held that damn test at every angle possible. There were a couple times I thought I saw the line again, but it was just a shadow. I even dragged poor DH into the bathroom to study the test with me. He confirmed that there was in fact no second line. At 11 dpo I was sure that my second line would be more apparent to my obviously blind DH. However, though I thought I saw a shadow of a line once again, DH confirmed that I truly am just seeing things. I've never convinced myself that there was a line there before. I've never understood how women could stare at a test and swear a line was there when there wasn't. I've always seen a stark white test that held no possibility of being interpreted differently. Maybe I've finally cracked. Are you happy, Infertility?! Are you happy?!?

Now, normally I would be all over testing tomorrow, at 14 dpo, because I am obviously pregnant, but I've been crampy today. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that AF is indeed arriving tomorrow. I just hope she has the decency to wait until I wake up this time! I still have my fingers crossed though... If I don't start tomorrow, there will definitely be testing happening on Wednesday morning.

Now, for the much deserved rant. You would think that your good friends, the ones you vent to about all the infertility frustrations, the ones who seem so supportive, that they would be the last ones to say something insensitive. Apparently that isn't the way it works. I was speaking with a certain friend of mine today, and we were discussing auditions that are coming up for a musical. She's been trying to talk me into auditioning, and I have declined on several occasions. It isn't that I don't love musical theatre, I do! I just have more important things going on right now. I began covering in July, and few directors are keen on casting someone in hijab who isn't going to show skin. Not to mention I had a second surgery on my foot last year, and my doctor hasn't cleared me for dancing yet. Additionally, I don't know what my schedule is going to be like when Portsmouth finally gets me in to see the RE. Most important of all my reasons, I don't know when I am going to finally be blessed with a pregnancy.

I told this friend that even though the show doesn't open until May, I didn't feel comfortable auditioning for it because I didn't know when I was going to get pregnant. Before I could even begin to explain fears (or sick sad fantasies) of morning sickness during rehearsal or a costume that didn't work with an ever expanding belly (just imagine Little Red Riding Hood with a baby bump!), she burst out with her opinion. "Now, I hate to be the one to say this, but you can't keep living your life thinking you may be pregnant this month or in two months or whatever. Then you're not living your life, you're just waiting!" ... Had this come from an individual who seemed like they had my best interest at heart, I might step back for a moment before I felt like I had been slapped in the face. However, it didn't feel like that's where it came from. As much as she says she supports me, I don't think she does. We're the same age, 21, both married, her husband is ready for a child, she isn't. I understand that, and I support that. Dear God, please don't bring a child into this world unless you want it! She doesn't want children yet because she is young, wants to live her own life first, have a career as an opera singer, and her marriage isn't healthy. Totally understandable! Her outburst felt like she was shoving her reasons onto me. Like I said, I understand all of her reasons, but they don't apply to me. I know I can still have children and have a life. I have a degree and career training. I have a stable and amazing marriage. I CAN'T HAVE A BABY ON MY OWN. So, I'm sorry if theatre doesn't come before this baby that will be. I'm sorry I'm not willing to drive an hour for injectables and then another 45 minutes for rehearsal. I'm sorry if I refuse to put your dream before mine. Of course, I didn't say any of this to her, I instead said I would consider it. I might talk big on here sometimes, but that's not me in real life. I over think things in real life, and I often go with the flow so that I have more time to think things through. When I got home I called another friend of mine, one who has three beautiful daughters, and I discussed the conversation with her. I was worried I was over reacting, that I just needed to relax. Marie said that my reasons are valid and that the other friend was out of line. She said something that meant a lot to me. "You have to think about whether or not you'll be pregnant at any given time because you have to think like a parent. You are a parent, if you've taken that step to become a parent, then you already are one. As a parent you have to put your child first." I see other friend tomorrow, and I'm going to tell her that what she said was crappy, and that I will not be doing the show because some things are more important. She needs to learn to respect that.