Sunday, January 30, 2011


This has just been a rather cruddy time. Updating would have happened much sooner, but very important things were going on... In other words, DH and I discovered 30 Rock. ^_^ Good show. (Except for the season 4 finale when we all find out that Avery is pregnant. Booo!)

So, to start it all off, I discovered that an a not so close friend of mine is pregnant with her third child. All three children have been conceived while on birth control, this one while on the iud. Seriously, how is this possible? How? They didn't even know she was pregnant until she was almost 3 months along. At the end of the conversation she invited me to her daughter's first birthday party, which was two days later. I said yes, but I blew it off. I felt bad because the baby didn't do anything... But at the same time I have met this little girl 3 times, she won't remember, and I cannot handle being around pregnant women and babies right now. I just can't.

Then, the lady who trained me as a doula came in to town so that the other ladies and I could tour the local hospitals and get our names out. I knew this was going to be hard, but I tried to prepare myself ahead of time. Almost as soon as we got to the hospital, I saw a lady being wheeled out with her newborn, all swaddled in pink. The eyes burned, but I held it together. Then we started touring, and it just got harder and harder. We checked out the labour rooms, and all I could think was "I'm never going to be on the other side of this." We also saw a midwifery center, and the walls were covered in the footprints of all the babies delivered there. It was a sea of pink and blue... At another hospital we were talking to one of the nurses,and one of the ladies asked if a mother was delivering inthe room behind us. The nurse said yes, and I swear to you, not ten seconds later a baby started crying. I almost lost it right then and there. I just don't think you can fully prepare yourself to be bombarded by the thing you want most but can't have.

I think the icing on the cake is that I still haven't ovulated. The latest I've ever ovulated on Clomid is cd 18. Today is cd 18 and there was no smilie face of awesomeness. I'm also out of OPKs so I'm going to have to pick more up tomorrow... I googled the situation, and some sources were saying that you can grow immune to Clomid... Does anyone know if that's true? I mean... After 6 months of using this, maybe it's just not working anymore. What do I do now?

Friday, January 14, 2011

Bring it!

AF was late, so I tested Wednesday, and it ended with a BFN. I wasn't terribly down about it because, like I said, I was expecting it. AF showed up yesterday, so it's definite.

So, this is the beginning of cycle number six with Clomid. I've been trying to Google it to see some glimmer of hope, but I keep coming up dry. What I do seem to find are an awful lot of people saying "If you're going to get pregnant on Clomid it will happen by cycle three." That's what I came into Clomid expecting. I expected that we would use the Clomid, know exactly when ovulation was happening, and boom! Probably not the first round, but maybe by the second, and definitely by the third. Now we're on number 6...

I still have another month or two before I can even expect to hear from Portsmouth for our initial appointments... I also only have one refill for Clomid left... The possible gap in treatments has me nervous. My doctor doesn't want me to use Clomid beyond round 7, and I'm sure Portsmouth is going to want to run more tests before they start the next step... We've gone this long with treatment without success, I just don't want to add to the time without treatment... Does that make sense?

As for updating the situation with the certain friend, a confrontation was had. I basically said what I said here, only with a bit of tweaking so as to be user friendly. She got defensive and angry, which I suppose is to be expected. She then informed me that she feels really sorry for me because I live my life like this. She continued to say that she feels sorry for me because I put my life on hold and "take a pregnancy test every single day" dreaming that it will be positive. Needless to say, little miss nice Kaylei decided to let OH HELL NO! Kaylei take center stage. It was very difficult not to tell her that I did not need life advice from a married woman who does everything in her power to constantly be in the presence of her gay music professor that she has an obsession with, and is legitimately in love with... That was bitchy PMS Kaylei... She got put aside for a better time. Instead, I informed her that I wasn't putting my life on hold, I am taking it where I want it to go. I'm not giving up my dreams, I've simply discovered new ones that are more important. I've grown up and I've set my priorities in the order they need to be in. And I do not take a pregnancy test every day. I pee on a stick and average of eleven times a month, and only 2-3 of those are pregnancy tests. The others are so I actually have a chance at becoming pregnant. I think it scares her that I am so willing to do everything I am for a baby. She sees a baby as the end of her life. I'm putting myself through hell, putting aside things that are important to her, just to get a baby, which, in her eyes, is the end of my life. I don't think she understands how I could want to do that. She just isn't there yet, she still has her own growing up to do. In the end, we agreed to disagree and leave it at that. I think it was the best decision in order to offer our now shaky friendship some kind of safety. I learned that there are some friends who just can't handle this sort of thing. I will no longer be sharing anything IF related with her.

I'm out of town now, visiting my best friend, and I'm just going to enjoy the time away. No worrying about jerkish comments from friends, just having a good time... (And trying to ignore how cute her 4 month old niece is!) I'm just going to relax until I start taking the Clomid in about three days. Then I get to enjoy the roller coaster that is Clomid. Hormones, pimples, and exhaustion... Oh my!

Here is to high hopes for the near future!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Wow, this really needs to start picking up...

Can I blame the holidays? I think I will, even if everyone else says I can't. Take that Blogger!


So, happy new year everyone! I hope things have been going well! I've been bad about reading everyone's blogs... Sorry! *hugs* Better? I'll try to get caught up, I promise!

I went to visit family on the opposite side of Virginia, and had a great time! My in-laws just opened a bed and breakfast, and we got to stay in one of the rooms. It was ridiculously nice! I'm not just saying that because they're family, if it was crap, I'd say so. With that in mind, if you're visiting Virginia and want to stay at a super nice b&b that offers wine tours, you should check out Thistle Ridge Bed and Breakfast. They also have a Facebook page. Okay, I'm done advertising, I promise ^_^

On the infertility front, there isn't a lot to report. I am supposed to test in the morning, but I managed to forget to stop at the store. To be completely honest, I don't think it happened this month. It was another cycle of perfect timing, day before, day of and day after... By 3 dpo it felt like someone had taken a hammer to my chest. Normally this would make my heart leap and I would swear there was a baby residing in my womb. However, seeing as this is round five of Clomid, I've come to notice that this seems to be a trend. My boobs get ridiculously sore soon after ovulation, and AF shows up right on time.

However, being the POAS addict I am, I already tested twice, once at 8 dpo, and again at 11 dpo. Both were BFNs, but with both tests I nearly had a heart attack because I SWORE I saw two lines at the very beginning. With the first test, I saw a line, and just figured it was the test line... But THEN the test line showed up! I was so excited my heart literally jumped into my throat!  However, the initial line I thought I saw wasn't there. I was sure it had just gone into hiding until the three minutes were up, so I waited for seven minutes and I held that damn test at every angle possible. There were a couple times I thought I saw the line again, but it was just a shadow. I even dragged poor DH into the bathroom to study the test with me. He confirmed that there was in fact no second line. At 11 dpo I was sure that my second line would be more apparent to my obviously blind DH. However, though I thought I saw a shadow of a line once again, DH confirmed that I truly am just seeing things. I've never convinced myself that there was a line there before. I've never understood how women could stare at a test and swear a line was there when there wasn't. I've always seen a stark white test that held no possibility of being interpreted differently. Maybe I've finally cracked. Are you happy, Infertility?! Are you happy?!?

Now, normally I would be all over testing tomorrow, at 14 dpo, because I am obviously pregnant, but I've been crampy today. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that AF is indeed arriving tomorrow. I just hope she has the decency to wait until I wake up this time! I still have my fingers crossed though... If I don't start tomorrow, there will definitely be testing happening on Wednesday morning.

Now, for the much deserved rant. You would think that your good friends, the ones you vent to about all the infertility frustrations, the ones who seem so supportive, that they would be the last ones to say something insensitive. Apparently that isn't the way it works. I was speaking with a certain friend of mine today, and we were discussing auditions that are coming up for a musical. She's been trying to talk me into auditioning, and I have declined on several occasions. It isn't that I don't love musical theatre, I do! I just have more important things going on right now. I began covering in July, and few directors are keen on casting someone in hijab who isn't going to show skin. Not to mention I had a second surgery on my foot last year, and my doctor hasn't cleared me for dancing yet. Additionally, I don't know what my schedule is going to be like when Portsmouth finally gets me in to see the RE. Most important of all my reasons, I don't know when I am going to finally be blessed with a pregnancy.

I told this friend that even though the show doesn't open until May, I didn't feel comfortable auditioning for it because I didn't know when I was going to get pregnant. Before I could even begin to explain fears (or sick sad fantasies) of morning sickness during rehearsal or a costume that didn't work with an ever expanding belly (just imagine Little Red Riding Hood with a baby bump!), she burst out with her opinion. "Now, I hate to be the one to say this, but you can't keep living your life thinking you may be pregnant this month or in two months or whatever. Then you're not living your life, you're just waiting!" ... Had this come from an individual who seemed like they had my best interest at heart, I might step back for a moment before I felt like I had been slapped in the face. However, it didn't feel like that's where it came from. As much as she says she supports me, I don't think she does. We're the same age, 21, both married, her husband is ready for a child, she isn't. I understand that, and I support that. Dear God, please don't bring a child into this world unless you want it! She doesn't want children yet because she is young, wants to live her own life first, have a career as an opera singer, and her marriage isn't healthy. Totally understandable! Her outburst felt like she was shoving her reasons onto me. Like I said, I understand all of her reasons, but they don't apply to me. I know I can still have children and have a life. I have a degree and career training. I have a stable and amazing marriage. I CAN'T HAVE A BABY ON MY OWN. So, I'm sorry if theatre doesn't come before this baby that will be. I'm sorry I'm not willing to drive an hour for injectables and then another 45 minutes for rehearsal. I'm sorry if I refuse to put your dream before mine. Of course, I didn't say any of this to her, I instead said I would consider it. I might talk big on here sometimes, but that's not me in real life. I over think things in real life, and I often go with the flow so that I have more time to think things through. When I got home I called another friend of mine, one who has three beautiful daughters, and I discussed the conversation with her. I was worried I was over reacting, that I just needed to relax. Marie said that my reasons are valid and that the other friend was out of line. She said something that meant a lot to me. "You have to think about whether or not you'll be pregnant at any given time because you have to think like a parent. You are a parent, if you've taken that step to become a parent, then you already are one. As a parent you have to put your child first." I see other friend tomorrow, and I'm going to tell her that what she said was crappy, and that I will not be doing the show because some things are more important. She needs to learn to respect that.