Friday, January 14, 2011

Bring it!

AF was late, so I tested Wednesday, and it ended with a BFN. I wasn't terribly down about it because, like I said, I was expecting it. AF showed up yesterday, so it's definite.

So, this is the beginning of cycle number six with Clomid. I've been trying to Google it to see some glimmer of hope, but I keep coming up dry. What I do seem to find are an awful lot of people saying "If you're going to get pregnant on Clomid it will happen by cycle three." That's what I came into Clomid expecting. I expected that we would use the Clomid, know exactly when ovulation was happening, and boom! Probably not the first round, but maybe by the second, and definitely by the third. Now we're on number 6...

I still have another month or two before I can even expect to hear from Portsmouth for our initial appointments... I also only have one refill for Clomid left... The possible gap in treatments has me nervous. My doctor doesn't want me to use Clomid beyond round 7, and I'm sure Portsmouth is going to want to run more tests before they start the next step... We've gone this long with treatment without success, I just don't want to add to the time without treatment... Does that make sense?

As for updating the situation with the certain friend, a confrontation was had. I basically said what I said here, only with a bit of tweaking so as to be user friendly. She got defensive and angry, which I suppose is to be expected. She then informed me that she feels really sorry for me because I live my life like this. She continued to say that she feels sorry for me because I put my life on hold and "take a pregnancy test every single day" dreaming that it will be positive. Needless to say, little miss nice Kaylei decided to let OH HELL NO! Kaylei take center stage. It was very difficult not to tell her that I did not need life advice from a married woman who does everything in her power to constantly be in the presence of her gay music professor that she has an obsession with, and is legitimately in love with... That was bitchy PMS Kaylei... She got put aside for a better time. Instead, I informed her that I wasn't putting my life on hold, I am taking it where I want it to go. I'm not giving up my dreams, I've simply discovered new ones that are more important. I've grown up and I've set my priorities in the order they need to be in. And I do not take a pregnancy test every day. I pee on a stick and average of eleven times a month, and only 2-3 of those are pregnancy tests. The others are so I actually have a chance at becoming pregnant. I think it scares her that I am so willing to do everything I am for a baby. She sees a baby as the end of her life. I'm putting myself through hell, putting aside things that are important to her, just to get a baby, which, in her eyes, is the end of my life. I don't think she understands how I could want to do that. She just isn't there yet, she still has her own growing up to do. In the end, we agreed to disagree and leave it at that. I think it was the best decision in order to offer our now shaky friendship some kind of safety. I learned that there are some friends who just can't handle this sort of thing. I will no longer be sharing anything IF related with her.

I'm out of town now, visiting my best friend, and I'm just going to enjoy the time away. No worrying about jerkish comments from friends, just having a good time... (And trying to ignore how cute her 4 month old niece is!) I'm just going to relax until I start taking the Clomid in about three days. Then I get to enjoy the roller coaster that is Clomid. Hormones, pimples, and exhaustion... Oh my!

Here is to high hopes for the near future!

1 comment:

  1. Have you taken any breaks from Clomid? I haven't taken it myself, but I've heard that after 3-6 months, you need a break, as it can decrease your uterine lining and cervical mucus. Just a thought. Hope you get into the doctor real soon!

    Enjoy your time away - without jerkish comments!