IUI numero dos is complete!

We went in today for IUI #2, and I was much happier this time around. We knew where we were going, so we weren't late, which definitely started things off on a good note. DH went and did his thing, and I had really high expectations this time around. Last month he had 11 million sperm with 87% motility post wash. This month he had 5.9 million with 89% motility.

When I saw those numbers I got really discouraged. His numbers were double this last time, and we didn't get pregnant. On the way to Portsmouth I Googled good sperm counts for IUI, and I saw that doctors like to see between 5-10 million. So, we're over that minimum, so maybe it will still work out. I'm trying to focus on all the things that are good about this cycle. My lining is good, my follies were bigger, we were over the sperm minimum, and the process happened much more quickly.

When we got to Portsmouth it was early enough that we were able to have the IUI done in the infertility clinic instead of labour and delivery. It was much less depressing. Unfortunately Dr. R was still in surgery, so I got a doctor I've never met. I was unhappy with this at first, but this doctor, Dr. S, was awesome! It must be something about the doctors at this clinic, because I have loved them all! He was absolutely great! He told me our numbers and assured me that as long as it is over 5 million he is happy. After explaining this to me he turned to DH and asked if he wanted to do the insemination. It was obvious that DH was not expecting this, and to be honest, neither was I. DH decided to do it, and afterwards he said he was glad he did. It made it more between us, he still did the deed, not some random doctor. I liked it. What I did not like, however, was the lack of lubrication when it came to the speculum! The doctor at my last IUI was not shy with the lube, so this was surprising. Surprising and uncomfortable. Oh my gosh! I have to share this with you ladies, but be prepared for possible tmi. <tmi> As he was about to insert the speculum he did the routine "You'll feel my hand," and "Okay, I'm going to insert one finger into the vagina." All very normal. What I was not expecting was for him to stretch my vagina open! I swear to you it felt like he was going to make it touch the table! It didn't hurt, it just felt weird. </tmi> The actual procedure was more uncomfortable this time... Before it was a little crampy, but it was really nothing. This time there was a lot more cramping! It lasted for a couple of hours after the IUI, when last time really wasn't uncomfortable for that long. Maybe that just means he really got the little guys where they need to be!

So, a close friend of mine informed me last month that she and her girlfriend had decided to try for a baby. They found a donor and were going through the whole IUI process. She did everything unmedicated, and just went in the morning after she got a positive OPK. She went in for her IUI about a week and a half after I did mine. I completely expected that she would not get pregnant this first time. I mean, honestly, how many of us conceive with our first IUI? Well, apparently she does. She texted me this morning, and I just didn't know what to say. I'm happy for her because I love her and I know that she is going to be an AWESOME mom... But I'm also super jealous. She isn't on any of the crazy hormones that we're on, she didn't have to get a giant shot in her bum, she hasn't had to let every person in a white coat (or camo scrubs, as is often my case) look at her lady business, and she got pregnant this first round. I always get jealous of people who get pregnant as soon as they start to try. It makes me feel like a bad friend because I'm not as happy for her as I feel I should be. It's just hard... So now I'm just left hoping that this IUI works so that I can be more fully excited for both of us.

Midcycle Scan For IUI#2

I went in today, and got my favourite doctor, Dr. R. She said she was really interested to see what my lining did this month, so we got straight to business. Last month my lining measured at 4.12mm, this month it is *drum roll* between 6.5 and 7mm! Woot! She said it is a beautiful lining. She then scanned over to my right ovary, where a big fat 20mm follie was sitting. Beside it there was another follie that measured 17.5mm. A scan over to the left revealed ANOTHER follie that was 17.6mm! Dr. R was super excited to see all of this. She said that with my dominant follie being so big, she wanted me to trigger before I left the office and set up a time for tomorrow. Sooooooooo, we go in tomorrow at 1:30 to acquire the goods from DH, and then we'll zip over to the clinic. Dr. R told me that as long as she gets out of surgery by the time we show up, she'll do the IUI.

I am extremely excited by the results, but I'm still very cautious. I'm starting to be in the place where I just don't expect it to happen. I just see us going through treatment after treatment and getting no where. DH and I briefly discussed the possibility of adoption yesterday. We're definitely still a ways away from that, but it's something we need to discuss. I'm all for adopting, if it comes to that, but DH is weary.  He is afraid that he wouldn't be able to love the child. He especially feels this way if we were to adopt a boy. He says he could see himself becoming wonderful friends with the boy, but he just doesn't know if he would love him. As for a daughter, he feels like he would be more likely to love a girl, but he still isn't positive. He told me his biggest fear about adopting a daughter would be for her to grow up and him to find her attractive. I had never thought about that possibility. I tried explaining to him that if he raised a child, regardless of gender, he would love the child. I believe that raising a child will make you love them... Well, in most cases. Either way, I have to acknowledge his fears so that we can work past them. Like I said, it is still a ways off, especially since we don't meet the age requirements in most places. That alone makes it so that we would have to wait about three more years. So, we have time to finish treatments and work through DH's fears.

For those who have adopted, did your hubby's have similar fears? How did they work past it?

I was definitely in a talent show last night

I have proof! See?!

I didn't win, but I'm okay with that :) I almost didn't do it, but I am so glad I did! I had fun, and I think my confidence has grown a bit! It was especially nice to be a part of something that was for a good cause. All the profit went towards tsunami relief.

You have to turn up the volume, or at least I did, but here is our talent show winner!

 The girl who recorded it is laughing pretty loudly in some places, so if you are wearing earbuds, beware. He did a super awesome job, and totally deserved the 100$!

It was a night bursting at the seams with amazingly talented people, and I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my Wednesday night!

Let's do this Friday night leftovers thing!

Friday Night Leftovers

• I really wish DH had given me more notice about the squadron Easter potluck tomorrow.
• A certain friend I have previously discussed on here is becoming unbearable. I find myself searching for reasons not to have to see her. It makes me feel horrible, but I just can't handle her on top of everything else going on in my life. 
• I audition to get into my new University's music program on the 28th. I am ridiculously nervous because the songs I will be performing are difficult and at the top of my range. 
• My Metformin is slowly becoming more bearable, which is a relief!
• My kitty is sick, and has been for a long time. We took her to the vet about it when things started, and were told that it was a respiratory infection. He gave us antibiotics and said that if they didn't work then the infection was viral and she would have to just fight it off. That was two years ago, and she still hasn't gotten better. She has actually gotten worse lately. We keep having to clean her nose, you can hear her breathing from across the room, and she'll go into these random wheezing fits. All we can do is sit and watch her, and it is just heartbreaking. I want to just hold her and love her, but we can't because she smells so bad. The smell isn't on her, it's in her. It's really hard to explain. We're going to set up another appointment for her very soon. She isn't very young anymore, she's about 9, and I'm worried about her.
• I am starving and debating whether or not I should wait for DH to get home in about an hour and a half.
• I wish my blog looked snazzier.

Book Club!

I went to my very first book club meeting today! I decided that I need to interact with more humans, and what better way than by bonding over a book while eating Mexican food? I was pretty excited, even though I didn't read the book.

Instead of discussing the book, I was bombarded by "How old are your kids?" and "Well when do you plan to finally get pregnant?" Not exactly what I was expecting. I answered their questions politely, although I had a few sharp answers in my head. Then the ladies yap yap yapped about how horrible their pregnancies were, and how breastfeeding was just unnatural, and that women who did natural births are crazy, as are women who breastfeed. It was nonstop talk about babies, play dates, and dissing natural holistic labours and breastfeeding (both of which are things I wholeheartedly support and want to take part in). Needless to say, I felt extremely awkward. I don't think I'm going to go again next month.

Today is cycle day five, and that means I start my Clomid. What's that, you say? Clomid? You thought the doctor planned to try a different medicine, you say? Yeah, so did I. I called on Monday to see what we were doing, and was informed that I should take Clomid on cycle days 5-9 and then come in on the 21st for my midcycle scan. I mentioned that my doctor had said we would probably try a different medicine since my lining was so thin. The nurse then put me on hold so that she could discuss this with the doctor, since there was no note in my file. She came back and said my doctor wanted another Clomid IUI since we had only done the one. Needless to say, I am rather annoyed by this. This will be my eighth round of Clomid, and frankly, it isn't getting me anywhere, so what is the point? Additionally, the doctor was concerned that the CLOMID was the cause of my thin lining. Why would we test that again? Aren't we trying to get results? I feel like a science experiment! So, I am not going to hold my breath for this cycle, I see it going exactly the way it did last time. :(

Warning: This is a vent.

This is going to be rambly and pissy and whiny, but I don't care because it's my blog and I am angry.

IT'S NOT FAIR. IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR.

I hate that the prerequisite for having children seems to be an addiction to drugs and bad decisions. I hate all the freaking people who have children don't acknowledge how truly lucky they are. I hate that I have had so many doctors blame me for my infertility because I am overweight. Overweight, mind you, not obese, overweight. I hate that we went so freaking long without a diagnosis because doctors were too lazy to look for themselves. I hate that one doctor didn't know what she was doing and made me wait four months longer than I had to and got angry at me when I called her about it. I hate that I keep being told to lose weight to make things easier, but the fucking PCOS makes it so hard to lose the damn weight. I hate that when I am super stressed mashed potatoes make me feel better, and I can't eat them anymore. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate feeling like I'm letting my husband down. I hate how tired I am all the time. I hate how sick I constantly feel. I hate how depressed I'm becoming. I hate that I think my husband's cousin is shoving her unplanned pregnancy in my face because she hates me. No joke, she sincerely hates me, or at least acted like she did until she became pregnant and now she acts like it is her mission in life to keep me updated. I hate that I don't know what to do or where to go or what is coming. I hate that I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel anymore. I hate that I keep getting my hopes up every month just to feel ridiculous in the end. I hate that I have to put on a smile every morning and pretend that everything is okay. It isn't.

I'm having difficulty coming up with something witty

I spent the entire day yesterday thinking it was Thursday, and woke up this morning thinking it was Friday. So, I tested. The biggest fattest negative stared up at me three minutes later.

I said that I wasn't holding my breath for this cycle, and honestly I didn't think I was. Imagine my surprise when it really seemed like I had been holding my breath. I guess part of me was really holding onto the tiny chance that there still was. I mean, any of us would. It just really really hurts...

I've had my moments off and on today where I just cried. What I don't think a lot of people understand is that at the end of every cycle, whether it's a BFN or the dreaded arrival of AF, you go through a little mourning period. Especially if you had strong hopes for that particular cycle! You begin to grow these beautiful ideas about how this is finally it! You calculate the potential due date, and the baby shower you will finally get, and the midwifery center you have been recommending to the newly pregnant women you keep meeting. Most of all, you have to mourn the child you thought you would hold. You honestly go through a feeling of loss. It doesn't help that you also get bombarded by pregnancy announcements, belly pics, and parents complaining about their kids. It just really sucks.

So, now I'm just waiting for AF to rear her ugly head. If she hasn't shown up by Monday I'm going to call the clinic and see what to do now.

I think I'm going to go take a nap.

Le sigh

I tested today, and got a bfn. :( I'm wondering if maybe this cycle is out... I just feel like if it worked the test would have come up positive at this point. However, I guess it is only 11dpiui, and maybe, just maybe it will change in three days. I'm not holding my breath though.

Umm, so, yeah...

Apparently we can add mood swings to that list of maybe symptoms. I definitely posted that last blog and calmly walked to DH to talk. He was playing a video game, and was distracted. I then declared that I was going to go get a bath and quickly walked to the bedroom. This is where I had a very uncharacteristic break down. I started sobbing about how he just wasn't attracted to me anymore because I'm fat and how he was probably glad we had the IUI so he wouldn't have to have sex with me for us to have a baby. So I don't sound completely crazy there, I've been hinting that I have wanted some *ahem* fun time. However, he has been out of zinc, and therefore has not been in the mood. Wednesday will make two weeks, and I am getting antsy! As soon as I mentioned to myself the IUI I started crying about all the obvious reasons the IUI didn't work. This would include the fact that we didn't seal the deal. I then laid in bed just crying my eyes out.

Shortly thereafter, I felt perfectly fine and went on to enjoy my warm bath.

I think I'm losing my mind.

I was sittin', waitin', wishin'...

So, it is currently 9dpiui, and I am growing restless. I'm exhausted, am breaking out, and my boobs feel like someone just beat them with a hammer. I'm trying to tell myself that it is early for it to be AF symptoms (and to be fair, I usually don't have symptoms until a few days before) but I also know it is far too early for these to be pregnancy symptoms. A girl can dream though, right?

I took a test at 5dpiui just to see a positive. I know that in the long run that will probably just make things feel worse, but a sick part of me wanted needed to see it. I got to see it, those two pink lines that I have been longing for for a really long time. The test line was really light, but it was definitely there. The emotions I felt were odd... I wasn't sad to know that it was a pretend line, I wasn't tricking myself into thinking it was real, it was very matter of fact. This is pretend, and that is that.

I took another test yesterday at 8dpiui, and I got another positive... It was so faint I had to be in the perfect lighting to see it. For a while I thought maybe it was an imaginary line, but upon further investigation, I decided that it was, indeed, there. This one I have torn feelings on. All those tests say they can detect pregnancy six days before the missed period, and that would have been yesterday. So, between how incredibly faint the positive was and the whole early detection thing, I really want to think that it was real. So, I'm not too sure what to think. I know that there is still a good chance that the trigger is still in my system, but I want it to be real so badly...

I decided that I will be taking another test on Tuesday, 11dpiui, and then another on Friday. Friday should be the day of truth, but just in case, I will have one test left. Thank God for Dollar Store HPTs! I've decided that since the line was so faint yesterday, by Tuesday it should either be negative or darker...

At this point I honestly can't say whether I think it worked or not. I'm just not sure. This is strange for me, because I usually have an opinion one way or the other... This time I've got nothing. All I know is that I was feeling some sharp pains today, and I'm hoping they were just from a baby getting nice and cozy for its nine month stay...