Monday, November 28, 2011

Or not...

Two days after my last post, things took a drastic turn towards Craptown, USA.

Alex and I went to a party where we asked for help from a group of people who are like family to us. We asked for their help with finding a possible birth mother. They are very involved in the community and see all sorts of people in different situations. During the conversation they had mentioned that due to our decision, the situation wasn't as dire. They suggested that since we are so young we just wait.

They don't get it. No one seems to get it. I may be chronologically  22, but emotionally I am well into my thirties. Everyone seems to think that since I'm young I haven't lived my life the way I wanted to. They seem to think that since I'm young I must have some romantic idea about the life of a mother and not be looking at things realistically. I must be out of my mind.

Unfortunately, while I stayed firmly seated in my position, their words trickled into Alex's brain. He has decided that they are right. We were so determined to begin trying for a baby due to all of our issues, and it's no longer necessary. We have decided we are happy to accept a child into our hearts who won't necessarily be of our blood. There will always be children in need of homes, why not wait? Why not live our lives now while we're young? Why sacrifice our money and time now when we don't have to?

And in that moment I felt everything shatter. This last year has been a living hell for me. I can't watch a diaper commercial without having a minor breakdown. How in the hell am I going to make it through however long he decides he needs to live his life enough? That was the best part! When I asked how long he needed, his response was "I don't know." I don't know isn't good enough!

He did say that he doesn't want to prevent a pregnancy (as if we would ever need to) because if we are by some miracle able to have a biological child, that is awesome. I then asked if we could go back to the ivf plan. Now he doesn't feel comfortable with how much money we would have to spend on ivf when it might not even work. So, unless I manage to find a way to pay for the entire procedure outside of a loan, that's outtoo.

I feel like screaming. I feel like my one partner in all of this has betrayed me and I have no one to turn to. I feel alone and more depressed than I have on this entire journey. I don't know what to do, but I'm falling apart.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Moving Forward

This last month has been harder than any of the others, and I haven't dealt with it well. There were many tear fests and moments where poor Alex was undeservedly snapped at.

AF came, and I really truly thought the last cycle was the cycle. We then discussed making the November iui, the seventh iui, our final iui. We would then put iui money into our ivf fund. So, I went along my merry way taking my femara and waiting to produce nice fat follicles for this last cycle. Any sight of a pregnant woman or a small child resulted in me becoming at least slightly teary eyed. I also managed to attend two baby showers, and run into a woman accidentally pregnant with twins the day after I dreamt of being pregnant with twins. On the 17th I went in for my mid-cycle scan and to set up the iui. After looking around for a bit, Ms. B concluded that none of my follicles were mature yet, and that I needed to come in for a repeat scan on the following Monday. So, the weekend passed as I fretted away, and Monday morning finally arrived. After looking around a bit, Dr. S concluded that my follicles still weren't mature, and that there would be no iui this month. He also explained to me that he didn't feel comfortable having us continue treatment. He said the iuis are not working, and our next step needs to be ivf. He is prescribing provera so that I continue to have cycles, and that is that.

I left that appointment feeling as though I had been punched in the stomach. The clomid failed, the femara failed, and there would be no more treatments until we finally scraped up the money for ivf.

Alex and I discussed how ivf would unfold, and honestly, that doesn't sound extremely promising either. We would find a way to do it in July, we aren't concerned about that. We're concerned about the likelihood of success. Dr. S flat out said there's a good chance I just don't have good egg quality, and that our ivf would have a 40% chance of taking home a baby, tops. He didn't sound super confident, and that scares me. We could scrape up the money for one attempt, and if that failed, we would not be able to try again for at least a few years. What if we pay the money and then they find out my eggs are absolute crap? It's scary.

So, after a lot of talk, Alex and I have decided our next step. Instead of trying a round of ivf in the summer, we are going to begin moving towards adoption. I can’t even begin to describe the peace that washed over me. While it still hurts to know that I may never experience pregnancy or holding a baby that has my green eyes and my husband’s brown curls, I’m happy to know that we will have a child. The constant emotional roller coaster over what my body is doing is over. I will still be a mother, and while my child might not grow in my womb, it will grow in my heart.

So now begins a whole new adventure. We have no idea where to start, and it seems like it will be a little overwhelming. Does anyone have any advice? Do you have any recommendations as which is better, using an agency or adopting independently? Ways to raise the funds? How to pass a homestudy? Basically, we will take any advice or directions towards resources! Our main concern right now is our age. We are fairly young (22 and 23) but we are mature and have our lives together. I know we can give a child a loving, healthy home, and I feel that that is all that should matter.

Thank you all so much! <3