This last month has been harder than any of the others, and I haven't dealt with it well. There were many tear fests and moments where poor Alex was undeservedly snapped at.
AF came, and I really truly thought the last cycle was the cycle. We then discussed making the November iui, the seventh iui, our final iui. We would then put iui money into our ivf fund. So, I went along my merry way taking my femara and waiting to produce nice fat follicles for this last cycle. Any sight of a pregnant woman or a small child resulted in me becoming at least slightly teary eyed. I also managed to attend two baby showers, and run into a woman accidentally pregnant with twins the day after I dreamt of being pregnant with twins. On the 17th I went in for my mid-cycle scan and to set up the iui. After looking around for a bit, Ms. B concluded that none of my follicles were mature yet, and that I needed to come in for a repeat scan on the following Monday. So, the weekend passed as I fretted away, and Monday morning finally arrived. After looking around a bit, Dr. S concluded that my follicles still weren't mature, and that there would be no iui this month. He also explained to me that he didn't feel comfortable having us continue treatment. He said the iuis are not working, and our next step needs to be ivf. He is prescribing provera so that I continue to have cycles, and that is that.
I left that appointment feeling as though I had been punched in the stomach. The clomid failed, the femara failed, and there would be no more treatments until we finally scraped up the money for ivf.
Alex and I discussed how ivf would unfold, and honestly, that doesn't sound extremely promising either. We would find a way to do it in July, we aren't concerned about that. We're concerned about the likelihood of success. Dr. S flat out said there's a good chance I just don't have good egg quality, and that our ivf would have a 40% chance of taking home a baby, tops. He didn't sound super confident, and that scares me. We could scrape up the money for one attempt, and if that failed, we would not be able to try again for at least a few years. What if we pay the money and then they find out my eggs are absolute crap? It's scary.
So, after a lot of talk, Alex and I have decided our next step. Instead of trying a round of ivf in the summer, we are going to begin moving towards adoption. I can’t even begin to describe the peace that washed over me. While it still hurts to know that I may never experience pregnancy or holding a baby that has my green eyes and my husband’s brown curls, I’m happy to know that we will have a child. The constant emotional roller coaster over what my body is doing is over. I will still be a mother, and while my child might not grow in my womb, it will grow in my heart.
So now begins a whole new adventure. We have no idea where to start, and it seems like it will be a little overwhelming. Does anyone have any advice? Do you have any recommendations as which is better, using an agency or adopting independently? Ways to raise the funds? How to pass a homestudy? Basically, we will take any advice or directions towards resources! Our main concern right now is our age. We are fairly young (22 and 23) but we are mature and have our lives together. I know we can give a child a loving, healthy home, and I feel that that is all that should matter.
Thank you all so much! <3