Two days after my last post, things took a drastic turn towards Craptown, USA.
Alex and I went to a party where we asked for help from a group of people who are like family to us. We asked for their help with finding a possible birth mother. They are very involved in the community and see all sorts of people in different situations. During the conversation they had mentioned that due to our decision, the situation wasn't as dire. They suggested that since we are so young we just wait.
They don't get it. No one seems to get it. I may be chronologically 22, but emotionally I am well into my thirties. Everyone seems to think that since I'm young I haven't lived my life the way I wanted to. They seem to think that since I'm young I must have some romantic idea about the life of a mother and not be looking at things realistically. I must be out of my mind.
Unfortunately, while I stayed firmly seated in my position, their words trickled into Alex's brain. He has decided that they are right. We were so determined to begin trying for a baby due to all of our issues, and it's no longer necessary. We have decided we are happy to accept a child into our hearts who won't necessarily be of our blood. There will always be children in need of homes, why not wait? Why not live our lives now while we're young? Why sacrifice our money and time now when we don't have to?
And in that moment I felt everything shatter. This last year has been a living hell for me. I can't watch a diaper commercial without having a minor breakdown. How in the hell am I going to make it through however long he decides he needs to live his life enough? That was the best part! When I asked how long he needed, his response was "I don't know." I don't know isn't good enough!
He did say that he doesn't want to prevent a pregnancy (as if we would ever need to) because if we are by some miracle able to have a biological child, that is awesome. I then asked if we could go back to the ivf plan. Now he doesn't feel comfortable with how much money we would have to spend on ivf when it might not even work. So, unless I manage to find a way to pay for the entire procedure outside of a loan, that's outtoo.
I feel like screaming. I feel like my one partner in all of this has betrayed me and I have no one to turn to. I feel alone and more depressed than I have on this entire journey. I don't know what to do, but I'm falling apart.