One thing after another

My mid-cycle scan was yesterday, and the IUI was today.

The scan was... interesting. I only produced one follie, and I wasn't told how big it was. My lining however, was beautiful! It measured at about a centimeter thick! :) That's my best yet! The downside of the scan was that they found a very large cyst on my left tube. At first, the nurse thought it was actually my left ovary. She said it is probably nothing, and probably won't cause more problems with our fertility, but she wants it checked out anyways. So, I go in next week at 9 pm for a formal u/s. Woot.

Today was an adventure all of its own. Our appointment was at 8 am, which meant I had to be up at about 6, which means I was not in the best of spirits.As a general rule, I never get up before 9... except for just about all this week. Needless to say, it's been a very sad week. We went in and DH did his thing... His numbers were lower this time, which just sucks.  Pre-wash he was at 15.9 million with 53% motility. Post-wash he was  5.2 million with 72% motility. I keep telling myself that it only takes one, but it still doesn't feel very hopeful. I'm crossing my fingers, though, because if it doesn't work this month, we are going to have to take a month off. We are going out of town for two weeks, and everything is going to happen during the middle of my next cycle. So, I'll take my OPKs with me and hope for the best... I just hope I won't have to worry about it.

Busy bee

So much has been going on recently. I had an audition to get into the music program at the university I am transferring to. I got in, by the way, which made me so ridiculously happy! I had a choir concert, which included two solos :) That was exhilarating! This was then followed by many rehearsals and my graduation from community college. I am now have a college degree! Woot! I can't do anything with it, yet, but it's something! I'm the first person in my family to even graduate from high school, so this is a major accomplishment!

As for the TTC side of my life, it's the same old song and dance. AF came and left. This month was probably one of my lightest cycles, but I am not complaining. It did have me very confused, though. So much so that I took another test out of pure madness. Of course, this was still a BFN. I go in for my mid-cycle scan on Thursday, and was told that our IUI will probably be on Friday. Like I said, nothing is really new. My life is lived in predictable two week chunks. Get AF, wait two weeks, have IUI, wait two weeks,test, rinse and repeat. It makes life somewhat monotonous, and not reassuring at all.

I don't know how many of you read Postsecret, but one secret in particular pissed me off.

I also managed to find this news article recently: Girl kept in crib box for a year

I will never understand why people like this are blessed with children. Stories like this make me want to smack people who tell me "It'll happen when God decides you're ready."

Sigh

Well, at least I was expecting this... IUI#2 = BFN.

Now I'm just waiting on AF so I can call and schedule my midcycle scan for IUI#3. It shouldn't be too long, AF is definitely making it known she is on the way.

I can't believe I'm already almost at the end of the road with IUI... The doctor is only approving us for four... So, if it doesn't work in the next two cycles, DH and I are going to have to go on a three year hiatus. There is just no way we can afford to do IVF right now. Granted, we can get it done at a certain military training facility  for a discounted price, but it still is nowhere near being something we can afford... So, we're going to have to wait three years so we can either use DH's re-enlistment bonus or his FAA sign-in bonus. Either way, three years is longer than I want to think about... If we're having this much trouble at 21, how much worse is it going to be at 24, 25?

I'm starting to lose faith.

Half way through the 2WW

Well, more than half way through, 5/7 of the way through, to be exact. This has to have been the easiest 2WW ever... I think it's a mix of having been ridiculously busy and just not feeling confident about the cycle. I just really haven't gotten my hopes up whatsoever because I legitimately don't think it worked.

I had to don my af bra today. It's always a great day in my cycle when I graduate from a 38DD to a 38 DDD. At least, my husband appreciates it. I, however, could do without the achy chest. As of current, I am a little bloaty and like I said, my chest has sorefully grown.

So, after I take my test on Friday, Alexander and I are going to plan a day at Busch Gardens. Why the hell not?

IUI numero dos is complete!

We went in today for IUI #2, and I was much happier this time around. We knew where we were going, so we weren't late, which definitely started things off on a good note. DH went and did his thing, and I had really high expectations this time around. Last month he had 11 million sperm with 87% motility post wash. This month he had 5.9 million with 89% motility.

When I saw those numbers I got really discouraged. His numbers were double this last time, and we didn't get pregnant. On the way to Portsmouth I Googled good sperm counts for IUI, and I saw that doctors like to see between 5-10 million. So, we're over that minimum, so maybe it will still work out. I'm trying to focus on all the things that are good about this cycle. My lining is good, my follies were bigger, we were over the sperm minimum, and the process happened much more quickly.

When we got to Portsmouth it was early enough that we were able to have the IUI done in the infertility clinic instead of labour and delivery. It was much less depressing. Unfortunately Dr. R was still in surgery, so I got a doctor I've never met. I was unhappy with this at first, but this doctor, Dr. S, was awesome! It must be something about the doctors at this clinic, because I have loved them all! He was absolutely great! He told me our numbers and assured me that as long as it is over 5 million he is happy. After explaining this to me he turned to DH and asked if he wanted to do the insemination. It was obvious that DH was not expecting this, and to be honest, neither was I. DH decided to do it, and afterwards he said he was glad he did. It made it more between us, he still did the deed, not some random doctor. I liked it. What I did not like, however, was the lack of lubrication when it came to the speculum! The doctor at my last IUI was not shy with the lube, so this was surprising. Surprising and uncomfortable. Oh my gosh! I have to share this with you ladies, but be prepared for possible tmi. <tmi> As he was about to insert the speculum he did the routine "You'll feel my hand," and "Okay, I'm going to insert one finger into the vagina." All very normal. What I was not expecting was for him to stretch my vagina open! I swear to you it felt like he was going to make it touch the table! It didn't hurt, it just felt weird. </tmi> The actual procedure was more uncomfortable this time... Before it was a little crampy, but it was really nothing. This time there was a lot more cramping! It lasted for a couple of hours after the IUI, when last time really wasn't uncomfortable for that long. Maybe that just means he really got the little guys where they need to be!

So, a close friend of mine informed me last month that she and her girlfriend had decided to try for a baby. They found a donor and were going through the whole IUI process. She did everything unmedicated, and just went in the morning after she got a positive OPK. She went in for her IUI about a week and a half after I did mine. I completely expected that she would not get pregnant this first time. I mean, honestly, how many of us conceive with our first IUI? Well, apparently she does. She texted me this morning, and I just didn't know what to say. I'm happy for her because I love her and I know that she is going to be an AWESOME mom... But I'm also super jealous. She isn't on any of the crazy hormones that we're on, she didn't have to get a giant shot in her bum, she hasn't had to let every person in a white coat (or camo scrubs, as is often my case) look at her lady business, and she got pregnant this first round. I always get jealous of people who get pregnant as soon as they start to try. It makes me feel like a bad friend because I'm not as happy for her as I feel I should be. It's just hard... So now I'm just left hoping that this IUI works so that I can be more fully excited for both of us.

Midcycle Scan For IUI#2

I went in today, and got my favourite doctor, Dr. R. She said she was really interested to see what my lining did this month, so we got straight to business. Last month my lining measured at 4.12mm, this month it is *drum roll* between 6.5 and 7mm! Woot! She said it is a beautiful lining. She then scanned over to my right ovary, where a big fat 20mm follie was sitting. Beside it there was another follie that measured 17.5mm. A scan over to the left revealed ANOTHER follie that was 17.6mm! Dr. R was super excited to see all of this. She said that with my dominant follie being so big, she wanted me to trigger before I left the office and set up a time for tomorrow. Sooooooooo, we go in tomorrow at 1:30 to acquire the goods from DH, and then we'll zip over to the clinic. Dr. R told me that as long as she gets out of surgery by the time we show up, she'll do the IUI.

I am extremely excited by the results, but I'm still very cautious. I'm starting to be in the place where I just don't expect it to happen. I just see us going through treatment after treatment and getting no where. DH and I briefly discussed the possibility of adoption yesterday. We're definitely still a ways away from that, but it's something we need to discuss. I'm all for adopting, if it comes to that, but DH is weary.  He is afraid that he wouldn't be able to love the child. He especially feels this way if we were to adopt a boy. He says he could see himself becoming wonderful friends with the boy, but he just doesn't know if he would love him. As for a daughter, he feels like he would be more likely to love a girl, but he still isn't positive. He told me his biggest fear about adopting a daughter would be for her to grow up and him to find her attractive. I had never thought about that possibility. I tried explaining to him that if he raised a child, regardless of gender, he would love the child. I believe that raising a child will make you love them... Well, in most cases. Either way, I have to acknowledge his fears so that we can work past them. Like I said, it is still a ways off, especially since we don't meet the age requirements in most places. That alone makes it so that we would have to wait about three more years. So, we have time to finish treatments and work through DH's fears.

For those who have adopted, did your hubby's have similar fears? How did they work past it?

I was definitely in a talent show last night

I have proof! See?!

I didn't win, but I'm okay with that :) I almost didn't do it, but I am so glad I did! I had fun, and I think my confidence has grown a bit! It was especially nice to be a part of something that was for a good cause. All the profit went towards tsunami relief.

You have to turn up the volume, or at least I did, but here is our talent show winner!

 The girl who recorded it is laughing pretty loudly in some places, so if you are wearing earbuds, beware. He did a super awesome job, and totally deserved the 100$!

It was a night bursting at the seams with amazingly talented people, and I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my Wednesday night!