Saturday, October 23, 2010


I managed to not upload pictures from my phone, so now I'm confused as to which OPK picture goes with which day, so I'm going to start fresh tomorrow. Sorry!

To those of you who have had an HSG, about how long does it take for the last bits of the dye to come out? I have the test done on Tuesday, and I'm still noticing small amounts.

It's CD14, and no ovulation yet. The second line was as faint as it was on CD10, so I'm really worried that I'm not going to ovulate again... I haven't ovulated yet using Clomid, and they doubled my dose this time, but the evil "what if" syndrome is kicking in. What if I don't ovulate on this dose of Clomid? What if there is something wrong with DH too? What if our insurance caps out? What if they can't fix us? What if what if what if?

I began panicking a little today... I'm so afraid that it's going to end with us not being able to have kids, with or without medical intervention. This whole situation weighs on my mind daily for most of the day. I feel broken and like less of a woman. I mean, what kind of wife am I if I can't even give my husband a child? I'm trying so hard to keep a cheerful face, but I feel like I'm going to crack every time I see a pregnant lady or a newborn. My friend's little girl is turning one in the next couple months... I was so sure that our kids would be just months apart... I was so sure we were going to have babies before everyone we knew. We got married, we waited a little bit! I feel like maybe this is God's way at getting back at me for feeling so sure of us. Maybe I did something wrong along the way. Then I begin analyzing myself. What am I doing wrong now? I'm overweight, I love caffeine, I forget to take my prenatal vitamin, I'm on non-fertility related medications... I start blaming every little thing that isn't perfect in my life for our fertility problems. And then I just sit back and wonder if maybe it's nothing I've done, nothing that can be fixed, and maybe I'm just broken. As simple as that. The plumbing is messed up, they don't know why, and that's just it. I think it's easier to find something in my life to blame. If I can blame it, I can fix it... I don't like the idea of there being nothing we can do... It's scary.


  1. Hey there. Stopping by from LFCA to welcome you to blogging. All this stuff you're feeling is tough, I know. TTC is truly one of the hardest things I've ever been through. But know you're not alone. I have found my blogging to be very therapeutic for me. So welcome. And I'm sending you a hug as it sounds like you need one...

  2. Hi! You have no idea how much I appreciate the hug! It is hard, and it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one. :o) Maybe this will be my own little piece of therapy Haha! Thanks!!

  3. Here to echo what Alex said!!! Blogging has been an amazing addition to my life...bringing a sense of community to a very private struggle. I hope you find the same amount of love and support here!

    As for the HSG, I was spotting on and off for 4 days or so. My doctor told me that some women spot or "leak" for up to a week.

    I know how scary it is to be just starting out and not knowing what comes next. But, rest assured, we'll be there for you!

  4. Welcome to the LFCA blog world :) Seriously, connecting with other bloggers has given me support and a place where I know the people reading will understand what I'm going through.

    Doubts and fears are normal. Keep voicing them and they'll lose some power. Keep posting - we'll keep reading :)

  5. Here from LFCA to welcome you. This is a great community. Swing by my blog. I am doing a giveaway. It's simple to join.

  6. ^_^ Thank you ladies so much! It's so incredibly nice to know that I have people who understand that are here for me. Since June of '08 we've been trying, but not trying, and just recently got doctors involved. I am just so ready to reach the end of this journey! All in due time though, right? :o)

    I'll check out your blogs, and thanks again!

  7. Welcome Kayleikins. I want to reiterate exactly what these other ladies have said. This is an incredibly supportive community and beginning treatment is overwhelming and scary. You should not do it alone--we can be here for you! Thanks for following my blog!

  8. :oD Thanks! I've only been here for a short time, and I can't believe all the support I have already! I think I prefer not doing it alone hahaha!

    Thanks to you and all my other subscribers as well!