Losing my mind

So, I know I should really quit looking on Google, and I should really quit analyzing every little thing my body does, but I can't! 1-2 dpo I was crampy. 3-4 dpo sore throat and stuffy nose. 4 dpo mildy queasy and teary eyed.

I know 1-2 dpo was just ovulation cramping, and I know 3-4 dpo are probably just me getting sick... The teary eyed I'm going to equate to the fact that I'm out of town and away from DH and I miss him... I just want this so badly that I want to look at everything my body does and scream PREGNANT! I'm tying so hard not to get my hopes up though... Two and a half years of negative tests really put a damper on your hopes. I'm afraid to get excited and really get my hopes up because deep down I know I'm just going to get another stark white test of failure. Part of me wants to buy Dollar Store tests and start testing by 7 dpo, but the other part doesn't even want to think about testing.

What do you ladies do to qualm your fears and anxieties during your 2ww?

And it begins

The 2ww officially starts today! Miraculously DH's PT test was cancelled, so he had more than enough energy for bding :o) That plus the +OPK, and the "just to be safe" bding tonight means I should know in about two weeks. We're on day one and I'm already antsy! Oh dear! Prepare for neuroticism at its best!

What has two thumbs and a positive OPK?

THIS GIRL! I just took the test a little bit ago, and squealed when I saw that beautiful little smiley face! I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am! This is the first time I have ever had a positive OPK, and it feel amazing! So, this means the Clomid worked! I am praying that with help from the HSG this will be the month!

 The best smiley face evar!

CD17 +OPK 10/26/10

The only problem is that DH, being in the military, had a PT test today. So, basically he got to do a pretty strenuous workout, and I'm sure he is going to be exhausted when he gets home... When I took the test last night he said we would bd and he would just have to deal with the PT test. I'm sure we'll still bd tonight, I just feel kind of bad because my body chose a sucky day. What have you ladies done when DH was exhausted? Did you wait for the next day? Did he suck it up?

Either way, I am walking on sunshine right now!

Ovulation, anyone?

We're on CD16, and still no sign of Miss O. However, I think the second line was a little darker today... That or yesterday's picture was just too blurry. Thoughts?

CD15 OPK 10/24/10

CD16 OPK 10/25/10

I had my little cryfest because, dammit, you're supposed to ovulate between CD14 and CD16... Or at least that's what I have read freaking everywhere! I did a little more research today, and saw that on Clomid it can happen 5-9 days after the last pill. Since I took it for CD 5-9, I have another two days. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. 

I found out today that Tricare doesn't cover IUI or IVF. It covers the medication, but not the procedure... I mean, the medication being covered is AWESOME, but we would still have to cover around 9000$... I just don't see us being able to do that, so I am counting on this to work with pills alone... So, since nothing has happened yet, I'm getting nervous. 

It'll be okay though, right? We still have two days I'll still cross my fingers for this cycle. If the Clomid doesn't work, then maybe they will up the dose again and that will do the trick. Or maybe they'll give me one of the injections (I can't remember what they're called) that are supposed to help with the whole situation.

Either way, I'm trying to keep my chin up. Something has got to work, I just have to give it more time.

Nerves

I managed to not upload pictures from my phone, so now I'm confused as to which OPK picture goes with which day, so I'm going to start fresh tomorrow. Sorry!

To those of you who have had an HSG, about how long does it take for the last bits of the dye to come out? I have the test done on Tuesday, and I'm still noticing small amounts.

It's CD14, and no ovulation yet. The second line was as faint as it was on CD10, so I'm really worried that I'm not going to ovulate again... I haven't ovulated yet using Clomid, and they doubled my dose this time, but the evil "what if" syndrome is kicking in. What if I don't ovulate on this dose of Clomid? What if there is something wrong with DH too? What if our insurance caps out? What if they can't fix us? What if what if what if?

I began panicking a little today... I'm so afraid that it's going to end with us not being able to have kids, with or without medical intervention. This whole situation weighs on my mind daily for most of the day. I feel broken and like less of a woman. I mean, what kind of wife am I if I can't even give my husband a child? I'm trying so hard to keep a cheerful face, but I feel like I'm going to crack every time I see a pregnant lady or a newborn. My friend's little girl is turning one in the next couple months... I was so sure that our kids would be just months apart... I was so sure we were going to have babies before everyone we knew. We got married, we waited a little bit! I feel like maybe this is God's way at getting back at me for feeling so sure of us. Maybe I did something wrong along the way. Then I begin analyzing myself. What am I doing wrong now? I'm overweight, I love caffeine, I forget to take my prenatal vitamin, I'm on non-fertility related medications... I start blaming every little thing that isn't perfect in my life for our fertility problems. And then I just sit back and wonder if maybe it's nothing I've done, nothing that can be fixed, and maybe I'm just broken. As simple as that. The plumbing is messed up, they don't know why, and that's just it. I think it's easier to find something in my life to blame. If I can blame it, I can fix it... I don't like the idea of there being nothing we can do... It's scary.

Assvice.

Dear members of society,

As an infertile there are several things you should not say to me. Saying of these things will get you punched in the ovaries, or other sexual organs.

1. "Just relax!"
Yes! Because THAT will be the magical cure! How in the hell have I overlooked that?! Wait, better question! why didn't anything happen in the beginning when relaxing was all we were doing?!

2. "You're still young!"
Please, do tell that to my deteriorating ovaries! As soon as they hear that they'll totally chill out!

3. "Go on vacation!"
See number one.

4. "Just enjoy yourself!"
Oh, believe you me, we are enjoying ourselves! The act is fun! It's the end result... or lack thereof, that sucks. So, with that in mind, your theory fails. Unless you meant...

5. "You're so lucky you don't have kids!"
Go fuck yourself. Seriously. I know you might think your children are a pain in the ass, but I would kill for them. Count your blessings. Ass.

6. "I have a friend's sister's cousin's friend's mom who (just quit trying, did twenty back handsprings, ate this herb, stood on her head, etc) and got pregnant right away! Maybe you should try it!"
Wow! This individual is now my role model. I will immediately try you long list of Google Med School remedies (that I've probably already tried) and that will solve every problem!

7. "Things could be worse!"
Wow. Way to invalidate my feelings! For me, this is "worse," so shut up.

8. "Just leave it in God's hands!"
God gave us science and initiative for a reason.

Now, if you actually want to say or do something that will actually help, read on!

1. Just listen. That means more than almost anything!

2. Give me a hug. This hurts more than you could possibly imagine.

3. Hand me a tissue. Looking at me awkwardly when I start crying after yet another BFN just makes me feel stupid.

4. Send me a card. It lets me know you understand and care.

5. Understand if I'm a little bitchy. They are pumping me full of LOTS of hormones, it happens.

6. Say a prayer for me. One more never hurts!

Well, that about sums up my rant.

Sincerely,

Kaylei

CD11 OPK 10/20/10

Really?

The last couple of days have been bad. Like, if my days had arms they would be extending their arms and giving me the biggest bird they could manage.

First, DH was supposed to go for a semen analysis yesterday, which definitely didn't happen. First he left the cup he was supposed to use inside my car. This would be fine, if he were driving my car to the place, but he wasn't. So then I had to leave class to give him the cup because he insisted on changing out of his uniform. PLUS he had to look up directions, because heaven forbid he find directions BEFORE the appointment! Then, half way to his appointment he calls to say he'll be late, and they tell him not to come. Strike one.

Next, I come home from class to news that DH might be deploying. Strike two.

We're on day three of needing to bd every other day, and DH won't touch me. STRIKE MOTHER EFFING THREE!

DH and I have had this issue for a while... I've gained weight, and therefore DH isn't always super ready to bd. I understood not doing anything on day one, he had to save the little guys up for the test. Day two he just wasn't feeling it, but promised that we'd get kicking the next day. Today he's tired. Tired? Effing tired? I'M FUCKING TIRED! I'm tired of taking pills! I'm tired of having blood drawn! I'm tired of having things shoved inside of me! I'M TIRED OF SHOWING MY LADY BUSINESS TO EVERYONE IN A WHITE COAT! All he has to do is have sex with me! He makes it seem like a chore, like it's the worst thing in the world to have to see me naked for a little while. No wonder we can't get pregnant! You have to have sex to get pregnant! It's just... It's wearing me thin... I'm starting to resent him, and I don't want that. I love him with all of my heart, but I need to feel like I don't repulse him. We both want this baby with every fiber of our beings, but it just isn't going to happen if we can't get past this stupid road block.

I'm ready to rip my hair out in chunks. 

You know you're TTC when...

- The Big 'O' no longer refers to orgasm, but instead to ovulation

- You show everyone who will look at your bbt charts

- Every twinge is a potential sign: ovulation pain OR perhaps implantation

- It no longer strikes you as the least bit odd to check out at the pharmacy with both HPTs and tampons in your cart.

- You schedule your social events around your ovulation day

- If your OPK comes up +, you cancel all social engagements that night so you can BD & lie with your legs elevated and butt up in the air afterwards

- You talk using mysterious acronymns that only your ttc buddies understand: ttc, BD, ewcm, bbt, opk, 2ww

- Your morning motto is: "Don't talk to me until I've taken my temperature"

- You take your temperature more than once a day (committed TTCer)

- You refuse to finish decorating that 3rd bedroom in your new house, because you can't stand the thought of getting it just the way you want it only to have to tear it apart next month in order to make room for the nursery you'll be needing.

- You put off buying any fall/winter clothes, because you hope they won't fit by the time the weather gets cooler.

- You clip coupons for OPKs and HPTs

- Your doctor says, "Now take these home and inject this needle into your stomach every day" and you don't even flinch.

- You spend more on OPKs, HPTs, and fertility supplements than you do on clothes

- The thought of nausea makes your heart skip a beat!

- You make a mental note of what day of your cycle it is before you say "ok" to a drink

- You get sick but make sure you can take the medicine in case you are pregnant...and would rather stay sick if you can't take the medicine..

- You finally look forward to mornings! Another opportunity to take and record your temp!

- You refer (and think) of your husband, not as his real name, but as the letters "DH" in real life

- You suffer silently from Infertility Vision (IV) - defined as the ability to see pink lines that nobody else can see. It's a very common condition among POASers during the days leading up to the official test day. Research is still being done, but at present there is no cure for it!


-  You actually understand the following sentence: “It’s CD 12 and I just got a positive on an OPK, so DH and I are going to BD tonight which will then bring on the 2WW and hopefully at the end, when I use my HPT to POAS I’ll get a BFP!”


This made me smile :o)

CD 10 and Fun Filled Activities

Today is cycle day 10! Woot! I finished my increased dose of Clomid (100mg cd 5-9) yesterday, which means the hormonal monster should be gone for a little while. My last dose was 50mg cd 3-7 and for the most part, it was so much worse! I wasn't very moody, but I was nauseas, had terrible acne, gained weight, had hot flashes, it was awful! This time however, I was tired and moody as all hell! DH was a little afraid. Was anyone else like that?

Being cd 10, I got to return to the hospital for more labs! Yeah! I think I'm starting to look like a junkie ;o) On the positive side, they only had to stick me once! That's a record for me! True, the phlebotomist had to use the needle made for babies, but she did it in one shot! Take that stubborn veins!

After lab work I went and checked into radiology. My doctor prescribed an HSG this cycle... If you don't know what that is, I'll a quick explanation. A hysterosalpingogram, or HSG, is an x-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes. What they do is sit you on an exam table and prepare like they would a pap smear. They then insert a catheter into your uterus and inject a dye.They then take a couple x-rays, have you tilt in a couple different directions, take some more x-rays, and then you're done. They want the dye to shoot out of your fallopian tubes, because that means there are no blockages. This also shows the shape of the uterus and fallopian tubes. They advise you to take an ibuprofen before the appointment because the procedure is painful. This is great unless you forget to take the pill. At that point you are laying on an exam table with a tube in your uterus gritting your teeth because it HURTS. It's nine hours later, and I still hurt. I used to think I wanted to give birth with no epidural... I might change my mind.

After the procedure the radiologist showed me the pictures and said everything looks fine. He says there looks to be a small abnormality in one of my fallopian tubes, but it didn't block anything. He said that since there was no blockage it shouldn't cause any type of problem. Additionally, he told me that women who have this procedure done experience a 30% increase in fertility for that cycle! THIRTY PERCENT! I will GLADLY take some uterine discomfort for a 30% increase! I'll be honest, I really have my hopes up for this cycle!

OPK CD 10 10/19/2010

The Beginning

Hello world! Yes, I know, another ttc blog floating around in cyberspace! I won't promise to be original, or even entertaining. I will, however, promise to be honest and keep you updated on our journey.

Now, for introductions! I am a 21 year old, Muslim, Air Force wife. I like to refer to myself as the Home Front Director of Operations... It sounds so much snazzier than housewife. I am studying to be a music teacher and will be transferring to a university with an amazing program next semester.

I have been diagnosed with unknown infertility, which is frustrating to say the least. Lately I have lived lab department of the hospital. It's joyous, I assure you, although I'm sure many of you understand the feeling! We just finished round three of Clomid and are praying this is the month! DH goes for a semen analysis tomorrow, and I must admit, I'm kind of glad he gets to go do stuff instead of me!

Well, that's a nice, small intro. Enjoy!