Someone Pinch Me...

 

Who wasn't expecting this?! After the cycle from hell, who actually expected this?! Not this girl, that's for sure! The first test turned positive so quickly I was sure it was a fluke, and so I retested. The second one turned positive within thirty seconds. I bawled and bawled and bawled! When I finished I thought about the chance of miscarriage and bawled some more. I called my sister, and she talked a little sense into me. 

I really liked how I told Alex, but I wish I would have been able to catch it on camera! I found that he had forgotten his phone at home, so I grabbed it and the wrapped up tests and headed to the store. I put together a bag of baby carrots, a muffin (we've been referring to the baby as a cupcake for years, and this was the closest I could find), and a baby bottle full of water. I put everything in a grocery bag and went to his shop. I called and asked for him to come down, but he was in position and couldn't. This was when I sadly realized I wouldn't be able to record it. So, I went upstairs, set my phone outside the tower cab, and went up the final flight of stairs. I called him over, and handed him the bag, which he took without even starting to look at it. I asked him if he was going to look at what I brought. I looked confused, but said okay. He pulled out the carrots and I said "baby carrots." He pulled out the muffin, "muffin." Then he looked at the bottle at the bottom of the bag, "bottle of water." He scrunched his eyebrows and whispered "Are you pregnant?" I told him to look at the last bit. He unwrapped the tests, looked at them, and wrapped me in a hug. He kept saying "Oh my God, it worked. It worked!" When I looked up he was tearing up. Then he looked at his coworkers, pumped his arms, and yelled, "We're gonna have a baby!!" It was ridiculously adorable :)

I went to the clinic this afternoon for my blood test. I got the results back, and my hcg was 212. It's official, we're expecting a baby in August! I'm so ecstatic, but so scared, I'm so afraid that I'll miscarry. Ms. B told me from the get go that I have a higher chance of miscarriage... I'm trying to focus on positive thoughts, but it's hard. When you're infertile, it seems like every happy thing is immediately followed by something terrible. I'm just praying this baby, our very first pregnancy, sticks around.

A sigh of relief and a wtf??

Alex and I talked about the whole situation many many times, and I think we finally reached an understanding. There were lots of tears, a few raised voices, and realizations on both ends. It turns out we weren't being completely clear with each other.

He does want to wait a little bit, but not for as long or for the reasons that I thought. He wants to take about a year and really work on improving his woodworking and forging. He is hoping that in that year we will have the time to sell his creations, have me doula (for money, that is) and all around save the money. His thinking is that since there is this extra time where the situation isn't quite as dire, we can use it to be a little more financially prepared. He doesn't want to take out a loan for 10,000-20,000$ if we don't have to. He wants us to save as much as we can, and then take out a loan if we can't quite cover it.

While I'm still not thrilled with the wait, I can respect this. The thing that has me happiest is that if someone we know approaches us about a baby, he is perfectly happy to immediately take the steps towards adopting it. He says that if something works out that well, then we are meant to take those steps then. The way he was originally talking, it just seemed as if he saw an out and was taking it. As far I knew, this break could have been decades long, and that just wasn't acceptable. I'm really glad that we managed to work this out. In the mean time, we are going to continue trying naturally (or as naturally as possible), and maybe we'll "relax" enough ;)

As for still trying,  do you all remember Dr. S telling me not to continue any meds until we moved to ivf for my emotional stability blah blah blah? Should I follow that advice? Technically my usual PA, Ms. B, spoke with a different doctor and they decided I could continue femara as long as I still came in for scans. I would rather continue with that source of treatment. Even if Dr. S thinks nothing will change on femara, I know absolutely nothing will happen without it. I would like to continue with at least a glimmer of a hope. What do you think?

Now, for the wtf segment of today's show. Did you guys know there is a whole anti-adoption community?! Reading the stuff is crazy! Apparently couples looking to adopt are predators and just customers. Apparently the act is completely unnatural and damaging to the child. Some of the things I was reading were just ridiculous! Have you guys seen this? Thoughts?

Or not...

Two days after my last post, things took a drastic turn towards Craptown, USA.

Alex and I went to a party where we asked for help from a group of people who are like family to us. We asked for their help with finding a possible birth mother. They are very involved in the community and see all sorts of people in different situations. During the conversation they had mentioned that due to our decision, the situation wasn't as dire. They suggested that since we are so young we just wait.

They don't get it. No one seems to get it. I may be chronologically  22, but emotionally I am well into my thirties. Everyone seems to think that since I'm young I haven't lived my life the way I wanted to. They seem to think that since I'm young I must have some romantic idea about the life of a mother and not be looking at things realistically. I must be out of my mind.

Unfortunately, while I stayed firmly seated in my position, their words trickled into Alex's brain. He has decided that they are right. We were so determined to begin trying for a baby due to all of our issues, and it's no longer necessary. We have decided we are happy to accept a child into our hearts who won't necessarily be of our blood. There will always be children in need of homes, why not wait? Why not live our lives now while we're young? Why sacrifice our money and time now when we don't have to?

And in that moment I felt everything shatter. This last year has been a living hell for me. I can't watch a diaper commercial without having a minor breakdown. How in the hell am I going to make it through however long he decides he needs to live his life enough? That was the best part! When I asked how long he needed, his response was "I don't know." I don't know isn't good enough!

He did say that he doesn't want to prevent a pregnancy (as if we would ever need to) because if we are by some miracle able to have a biological child, that is awesome. I then asked if we could go back to the ivf plan. Now he doesn't feel comfortable with how much money we would have to spend on ivf when it might not even work. So, unless I manage to find a way to pay for the entire procedure outside of a loan, that's outtoo.

I feel like screaming. I feel like my one partner in all of this has betrayed me and I have no one to turn to. I feel alone and more depressed than I have on this entire journey. I don't know what to do, but I'm falling apart.

Moving Forward

This last month has been harder than any of the others, and I haven't dealt with it well. There were many tear fests and moments where poor Alex was undeservedly snapped at.

AF came, and I really truly thought the last cycle was the cycle. We then discussed making the November iui, the seventh iui, our final iui. We would then put iui money into our ivf fund. So, I went along my merry way taking my femara and waiting to produce nice fat follicles for this last cycle. Any sight of a pregnant woman or a small child resulted in me becoming at least slightly teary eyed. I also managed to attend two baby showers, and run into a woman accidentally pregnant with twins the day after I dreamt of being pregnant with twins. On the 17th I went in for my mid-cycle scan and to set up the iui. After looking around for a bit, Ms. B concluded that none of my follicles were mature yet, and that I needed to come in for a repeat scan on the following Monday. So, the weekend passed as I fretted away, and Monday morning finally arrived. After looking around a bit, Dr. S concluded that my follicles still weren't mature, and that there would be no iui this month. He also explained to me that he didn't feel comfortable having us continue treatment. He said the iuis are not working, and our next step needs to be ivf. He is prescribing provera so that I continue to have cycles, and that is that.

I left that appointment feeling as though I had been punched in the stomach. The clomid failed, the femara failed, and there would be no more treatments until we finally scraped up the money for ivf.

Alex and I discussed how ivf would unfold, and honestly, that doesn't sound extremely promising either. We would find a way to do it in July, we aren't concerned about that. We're concerned about the likelihood of success. Dr. S flat out said there's a good chance I just don't have good egg quality, and that our ivf would have a 40% chance of taking home a baby, tops. He didn't sound super confident, and that scares me. We could scrape up the money for one attempt, and if that failed, we would not be able to try again for at least a few years. What if we pay the money and then they find out my eggs are absolute crap? It's scary.

So, after a lot of talk, Alex and I have decided our next step. Instead of trying a round of ivf in the summer, we are going to begin moving towards adoption. I can’t even begin to describe the peace that washed over me. While it still hurts to know that I may never experience pregnancy or holding a baby that has my green eyes and my husband’s brown curls, I’m happy to know that we will have a child. The constant emotional roller coaster over what my body is doing is over. I will still be a mother, and while my child might not grow in my womb, it will grow in my heart.

So now begins a whole new adventure. We have no idea where to start, and it seems like it will be a little overwhelming. Does anyone have any advice? Do you have any recommendations as which is better, using an agency or adopting independently? Ways to raise the funds? How to pass a homestudy? Basically, we will take any advice or directions towards resources! Our main concern right now is our age. We are fairly young (22 and 23) but we are mature and have our lives together. I know we can give a child a loving, healthy home, and I feel that that is all that should matter.

Thank you all so much! <3

She's a comin'

My telltale indicator has finally arrived. I think AF was just toying with me, instead of my week of notice, my chest began to throb today, and she will probably still show up Sunday. Bitch.

She swings, and...

BFN.

I'll test again on Sunday, unless AF shows up, but I'm calling this cycle a bust.

Thanks to my piano class, I have the Miniature Waltz stuck in my head...

Hey everyone! I'm behind, but to be fair, I did make a couple vlogs for Youtube. Does that make it better?

So, IUI #5 was on September 23, which was the day from hell. More on those horrible details in a minute. Absolutely everything was perfect in this cycle. EVERYTHING! My lining was 10.72 mm, and I had two follicles, one on the left (23mm), and one on the right (20mm). Now, as you all know, we have had several poor cycles in regards to DH's numbers. The doctor requested that Alex get a repeat SA, and we still hadn't gotten the results. So, needless to say, we were a little weary about his sample. When they handed us the sample and the paper, we were ready to explode from anticipation! After processing, he had 80.1% motility and... 15.5 MILLION!!! This is the best he has ever done! So, we are pretty excited about this cycle! The actual IUI was actually kinda painful. Usually it's mildly uncomfortable for a couple minutes, but this one HURT, and it continued to hurt for a couple of days afterwards. It was rather odd.

Now, for why that day was the day from hell. We went out of town in order to go work at a Ren Faire, which, like always, was awesome. What wasn't awesome, however, was breaking down an hour and a half from our destination. Luckily it was just thirty minutes from my in laws, where we were planning to make a pit stop to pick up my bil, and so we were rescued. The car was towed to a shop, where we were told our oil light was broken, and because of that, our engine burned up and needed to be replaced. Yay 3000$ that we didn't have! We wound up taking out a large loan so that we could cover both car payments and the repair in one payment. Because of the unexpected additional 7000$ of debt we have managed to fall in to, DH doesn't think we are going to be able to do the IVF in January. We got the paper work for that, and after doing the math, it would be 10,000$, which is so incredibly cheap, but still not something we can afford right now. This particular hospital does four cycles a year (Jan, Apr, Jul, and Aug), so we think we are going to wait until July. That way I am out of class for the summer, and we have even more time to figure out finances. I started a chip in account, so, we'll see how that goes. (Mine is in the right column, if you need help raising any funds, you should make your own account! Check it out!)

So, for now, I'm wading through the tww! Honestly, I don't feel one way or the other. If anything, I think I'm confused. We are about fourish days before AF should show up, and I realized this morning that my boobs don't hurt. Normally by this point, my chest feels like it is dying. I feel nothing. I don't see this as a sign that the iui worked either, because tender breasts are a sign of pregnancy. So, I just don't know. I'm going to test on Friday, and depending on the result, test again on Sunday. Wish me luck!

I hope you ladies are doing well! <3

Thank God for Banana Muffins.

I woke up to DH's accidental alarm this morning, and decided since it was 5:30, I could probably safely test. So, I quickly begin to waddle to the bathroom, full bladder in tow. A few steps down the hall, and I feel it. I sprinted the last couple of feet to the bathroom, and there was AF in all her evil glory.

So, I call the RE's clinic tomorrow to set up the midcycle scan, begin taking Femara on Tuesday, and just all around gear up for iui numero cinco.

This will be my fifth iui... At what point do you give up on a course of treatment? At what point do you sit back and just know that a particular treatment will not work for you? I was so confident about this cycle, it was beautiful... The doctor said there is still a chance the iuis will work, which is why we're going to keep doing them, but I don't know if I believe that anymore. Part of me wonders if they just say that so they can continue to take my money as I cling to hope. Part of me wonders if we should just stop until January when we can do ivf. I know myself, though. I would never be able to just sit here going back to doing nothing... I would constantly wonder if we had tried just one more time, would that have been it?

I realized today that I just finished my twelfth cycle with fertility treatments. One full year of trying with the help of medical professionals. I never thought I'd still be here a year later. I was absolutely positive that we'd start treatments, and then a month or so later our cupcake would finally start to bake... I thought the same thing when we started the iuis.

I kinda just want to mope around, but I have music to learn, chapters to read, homework to do, and a house to clean... So, I will do what all of us do. I will take a deep breath, put on a smile, and do what I have to do. I hope everyone else is having a wonderful cycle, and that you all get the prize. <3

That was disappointing.

Well, I tested this morning and got a BFN. At the same time I got my result, DH's cousin began having contractions. Awesome, right? *sigh* It's 14dpiui, but not necessarily 14dpo, so I'm going to test again on Sunday.

I'm not holding my breath, though.

I said it's hot outside, let me go swimming in your eyes...

Hello ladies! It's been a month since my last update, and it's safe to say a good deal has happened.

AF finally came! Anyone want to guess how far a got? I'll give you a hint, it was more than 66 days, and less than 68. :)

So, I am now at 7dpo, which means I cat test in about 7 more! I'm fairly excited because even though I know I really shouldn't get my hopes up, I have a good feeling. Femara worked BEAUTIFULLY! Do you guys remember my wimpy endo linings on Clomid? 6mm and the likes. With Femara my lining was 10.36mm! That is seriously my best yet! I also had my biggest follies ever! Both were on the side of my remaining tube, and measured at 22mm and 26mm! I honestly don't think I could have asked for better results. All the doctors were super thrilled. I think the best thing has been all the positive comments that have been made... The nurse told us to call when I miss my period, which none of them have ever said. Additionally, DH keeps insisting that I am PUPO. That may not seem like much, but that isn't something that he does. His response is always along the lines of there is no way to know, so I can't tell you what I think. All in all, it was just nice.

DH produced a better sample this time, but it was still a lot lower than they wanted it to be. His last two were 5.9 million with 89% motility and 5.2 million with 72% motility. This one was 7.8 million with 80.5% motility, so like I said, an improvement, just not the minimum of 10 million they really want. The doctor decided DH needs to go in for a repeat SA, and we'll go from there. She said it might come back normal, and his natural fluctuations just aren't lining up the way we'd like it to. If it's abnormal, she is going to refer him to a urologist in the clinic that specializes in this. She said it could be as simple as changing his diet, but it could be as serious as testicular failure. I don't know about you ladies, but I'm rooting for diet. Knowing DH, though, that really is the most likely culprit. The boy eats horribly, but still manages to be fit. It's unfair, and as much as I try to get him to give up his secret, he refuses to budge. So, now I'm focusing on fixing our diet and trying to sneak vegetables into his food. Any suggestions?

So, has anyone else had a pregnancy announcement explosion happen?? As of this moment I currently know seven people who have announced their pregnancy. I wish I could say I'm happy for all of them, but I'm not. about four of them, yes, I am extremely happy for them, just mildly bitter. The final three are in positions and situations where getting pregnant was not the best idea, and a part of me is angry that they accidentally got pregnant while all of us struggle. There's nothing I can do, though, so I just keep my mouth shut.

On the not infertility front, I hope you all stayed dry during the hurricane! We were evacuated, and we're pretty glad we decided to go! It flooded pretty badly out here. We took our car and had no where to take our blazer, so thinking it was fully insured, we left it. When we returned home we discovered that the flood waters came high enough to cover the seats and caused it to no longer start. Upon calling the insurance agency, we discovered that it was in fact not fully insured. As was expected, we were freaking thrilled! Normally, we would have said, yes, this is cruddy, but we can make things work with one vehicle, we've done it before. However, I started classes this last week, and they are thirty minutes away, all day, Monday through Friday. We couldn't make it work with one vehicle, and decided to get a used truck as quickly as possible. So, now our savings is wiped, there is a large charge on the credit card we avoid using, and we have three vehicles in our driveway, only two of which work.

Things are tight and a little difficult right now, but I still feel hope. That's got to be a good thing, right?

Side Note

Does anyone else find it funny that my cycle has stretched on long enough to confuse my MedHelp widget?

It's CD 64, if you were curious.

Ramadan and New Treatments

Ramadan Mubarak! :) This week signaled the beginning of Ramadan,which is a pretty big deal in Islam. It's been a week filled with with food, fasting, friends, oh, and the infertility clinic.

I had my post-op appointment on Tuesday, and it went okay. The doctor told me that I healed beautifully, and that that could not have gone better. She discussed what happened in the surgery a little more. Apparently it was a congenital hydrosalpinx which was all twisty and such. So, that's gone and things should be perfectly back on track. Well, kinda. The doctors in the team have decided that it's on our best interest to move on to IVF. The only issue is that the hospital I would have to go to in order to use my insurance is not able to see us until January. The doctor said that this would give us time to start figuring out how to pay. They also decided that we should try Femara IUIs in the mean time. She said there isn't any reason for them not to work, otherwise it wouldn't be suggested. So, I'm crossing my fingers, yet again.

Right now I'm on Provera to induce my cycle, and then I will start taking 7.5 mg of Femara on cd 3-7. Has anyone else used Femara? What were your thoughts?

Vacation

It's been two weeks since my surgery, and everything is going pretty well. It took me a little longer than most people to get up and moving again, but I'm here now.

I'm on cycle day 43, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Provera in order to get this cycle started. I'm going to ask for a prescription for that and Clomid when I go in for my post-op appointment. I really want to get excited for this next cycle, but I'm having a really hard time. I mean, we've been doing infertility treatments for about a year now, and we haven't gotten far. Granted, we have dealt with a couple underlying issues, but we haven't really seen any results. I just seems like every time we take one step forward, we get shoved twenty steps backwards. Now that we removed the tube, and should be making progress, I just know that something new is going to pop up.

Such is my usual lament.

We were able to go back home for a couple of weeks, and it has been phenomenal. There is just this wave of serenity that washes over me whenever we walk into this house. I feel like all my troubles just melt away, and everything will be okay because family is here. This also happens to be a weekend where several other family members are coming to visit my in-laws Bed & Breakfast. I'm particularly excited because I will be meeting one of my husband's aunts for the first time. Apparently she dealt with her own fertility issues, and she is one of the only other people I have met with infertility. Even if we never speak about it, (and honestly, how do you start that conversation?) it will be nice just to know that someone else in this family understands.

In other news, I turn 22 on Monday! :)

Home sweet home

I had the surgery yesterday morning, and came home later that evening. For what it was, it went pretty well. The went in and found that the tube was covered in cysts. Their theory is that all the cysts are what caused my tube to be filled with fluid and infected. They sent me home with a picture of both tubes!

Three guesses as to which is which.

They did have to remove the tube, which is what I was expecting. The surgeon said that the grippers on the tube were perfectly healthy, but every time they would grab an egg, they just gave it a poison bath. She also said that technically when my left ovary spits out an egg, it is possible for my right tube to grab it. She didn't say how likely that was, but hey, I'll take what I can get. 

Now I am just very sore and sleeping a lot. The only reason I am even awake enough to post this is because my sister and niece came over. They fed me and are now cleaning my house while I am supposed to be napping. I think I'm going to follow their instructions now, I just wanted to give you all an update.

Take care! <3

Driving to the hospital, and I'm kinda scared...

I know, I'm awful.

I've been missing for the last month, and there is no good reason for that. Not too long after the last post, AF showed up, and I went through a spiral of woe is me. I definitely have not been fun to be around, and honestly, I haven't really wanted to interact with anyone. I finally got myself together, and I think I'm okay now. This sucks, yes, but it is what it is. God gives us trials, and as much as I hate it, this is my trial. With hardship comes relief.

So, I go in tomorrow morning for my surgery. I'm still not sure of an exact time, I'll get a call with that sometime today. We are allowed to try naturally whenever we want, but they don't want to do another iui until next month. If AF hasn't shown up in a week or so, I'm going to ask for a round of Provera to get things started, and see if I can get them to give me Clomid and set up our iui... Sure, it will probably be a bit early, but darn it, I want to get back on track!

I just feel like this whole situation, which could have been identified and treated almost a year ago, is putting us so behind. Yet another younger and unprepared person I know just found out she is pregnant... I want my turn, and I don't want to have to keep waiting. I know, I know, its how we all feel. This is the woe is me attitude that I was talking about earlier. Bleh. All I can do is hope.

The news is in...

My doctor (who, turns out, is actually a nurse) called me today with the verdict. She and the other doctors have decided that my HSG from October was indeed abnormal. I am so ridiculously angry right now! That HSG was done at the same clinic that said I had unexplained infertility and that they didn't know what to do for me. They told me that my HSG looked fine. If they had told me back in effing OCTOBER that something was wrong, I could have been pregnant by now! But no, they reffered my mysterious case to another clinic that diagnosed me within MINUTES! And NOW, SEVEN months later, I find out that I'm going to have to have diagnostic surgery that will probably result in the removal of my tube. Effing dandy! Does anyone know how I file a formal complaint?

Ugh!

So, my doctor said we aren't scheduling surgery yet because there is a slim possibility that we conceived this month. By slim, she means it would be pretty amazing, because I ovulated this month on the left, which is where the bad tube is. So, on CD 1, I will be calling to schedule a surgery and pre-op date. They will laprascopically go in and mess with my tube to make a formal diagnosis. Before the surgery I am going to sign a consent form so that if it is as bad as they think it is, they can just remove the tube while they are in there. I'd rather have everything done at one time instead of having multiple surgeries and healing times. I want to get back in the playing field as soon as possible.

The adventure continues...

I had my ultrasound last night at 9 pm. There is nothing quite like driving for 45 minutes in a horrible storm at night to have a date with an u/s tech. We arrived safely, and shuffled into the hospital. I must admit, I was pretty impressed! Most of the hospital was still open, including the pharmacy.

So we walk to radiology and I am met by a very cheery tech who tells me to come on back, but that I have to abandon DH. Were any of you ladies instructed to leave your hubby behind when you went for a diagnostic u/s? Anywho, so I go into the room, hop onto the bed, and get to business. She moves the wand around, takes a few pictures, and then instructs me to get up and go empty my bladder. I happily followed her instructions, as I felt my bladder was going to burst. I come back and she tells me that I am going to have an impromptu date with the dildo wand! Apparently the other ultrasound wasn't good enough. So, I strip and assume the position. I swear she was in there for forever! She eventually found one position, and she kept pushing on my left side, furrowing her brow, and barely adjusting the wand. She did it so many times I eventually offered to press down on the side for her. She told me she was trying to discern whether or not something was a cyst or my ovary. I commented that the nurse had had the same issue, to which the tech replied, "Yeah, they are very close." I motioned the the area she kept pressing, asked if that was where the cyst was, because I had been feeling some discomfort there. Turns out, yep, that is exactly where the cyst is. She finally finished, and told me that the radiologist would read it in the morning, and my doctor would have it in about three days.

I received a call from my doctor TODAY wanting to talk about my ultrasound results. Apparently things started moving along much more quickly than anticipated. She started the conversation by telling me that the cyst is big, but it looks fine. The cyst shouldn't cause any additional problems with our fertility. Before I could get all excited for the good news, she ruined it by starting the next sentence with "however." "However, your left tube is enlarged, which can cause additional problems with your infertility." Of course it is. Why would I expect anything else? I asked her what this might mean, and she said she thinks it's hydrosalpinx. She needed me to get a CD of my HSG from last year because she wasn't able to access it from her system. Either that, or if this cycle fails, I would need to get another HSG done. Upon remembering my last HSG, I agreed to pick up the CD. She said she is confused because if this doesn't just happen, if I had it it should have shown up in that HSG. All I can think about is the tech telling me one of my tubes was abnormally shaped, but not blocked, and not to worry. What if that was something, and since it has taken so long to have anyone notice that it may be serious, I'm in an even more difficult situation? She was telling me that if it is a hydrosalpinx, they may have to remove that tube. That was precisely what I wanted to hear! "If you have never had difficulty getting pregnant, the normal pregnancy rate after salpingectomy is 70-85%.  If you had difficulty conceiving prior to the removal of your fallopian tube the normal pregnancy rate is about 10%." Just peachy! Wonderful! Possible surgery and an even more difficult time having a baby? I couldn't ask for a better situation!


I am just ready to scream. Why can nothing be simple? I take her the CD in the morning, and then she is going to call me as soon as she and the other doctors look at it. Please, just keep us in your prayers...

One thing after another

My mid-cycle scan was yesterday, and the IUI was today.

The scan was... interesting. I only produced one follie, and I wasn't told how big it was. My lining however, was beautiful! It measured at about a centimeter thick! :) That's my best yet! The downside of the scan was that they found a very large cyst on my left tube. At first, the nurse thought it was actually my left ovary. She said it is probably nothing, and probably won't cause more problems with our fertility, but she wants it checked out anyways. So, I go in next week at 9 pm for a formal u/s. Woot.

Today was an adventure all of its own. Our appointment was at 8 am, which meant I had to be up at about 6, which means I was not in the best of spirits.As a general rule, I never get up before 9... except for just about all this week. Needless to say, it's been a very sad week. We went in and DH did his thing... His numbers were lower this time, which just sucks.  Pre-wash he was at 15.9 million with 53% motility. Post-wash he was  5.2 million with 72% motility. I keep telling myself that it only takes one, but it still doesn't feel very hopeful. I'm crossing my fingers, though, because if it doesn't work this month, we are going to have to take a month off. We are going out of town for two weeks, and everything is going to happen during the middle of my next cycle. So, I'll take my OPKs with me and hope for the best... I just hope I won't have to worry about it.

Busy bee

So much has been going on recently. I had an audition to get into the music program at the university I am transferring to. I got in, by the way, which made me so ridiculously happy! I had a choir concert, which included two solos :) That was exhilarating! This was then followed by many rehearsals and my graduation from community college. I am now have a college degree! Woot! I can't do anything with it, yet, but it's something! I'm the first person in my family to even graduate from high school, so this is a major accomplishment!

As for the TTC side of my life, it's the same old song and dance. AF came and left. This month was probably one of my lightest cycles, but I am not complaining. It did have me very confused, though. So much so that I took another test out of pure madness. Of course, this was still a BFN. I go in for my mid-cycle scan on Thursday, and was told that our IUI will probably be on Friday. Like I said, nothing is really new. My life is lived in predictable two week chunks. Get AF, wait two weeks, have IUI, wait two weeks,test, rinse and repeat. It makes life somewhat monotonous, and not reassuring at all.

I don't know how many of you read Postsecret, but one secret in particular pissed me off.

I also managed to find this news article recently: Girl kept in crib box for a year

I will never understand why people like this are blessed with children. Stories like this make me want to smack people who tell me "It'll happen when God decides you're ready."