Spiraling

This has just been a rather cruddy time. Updating would have happened much sooner, but very important things were going on... In other words, DH and I discovered 30 Rock. ^_^ Good show. (Except for the season 4 finale when we all find out that Avery is pregnant. Booo!)

So, to start it all off, I discovered that an a not so close friend of mine is pregnant with her third child. All three children have been conceived while on birth control, this one while on the iud. Seriously, how is this possible? How? They didn't even know she was pregnant until she was almost 3 months along. At the end of the conversation she invited me to her daughter's first birthday party, which was two days later. I said yes, but I blew it off. I felt bad because the baby didn't do anything... But at the same time I have met this little girl 3 times, she won't remember, and I cannot handle being around pregnant women and babies right now. I just can't.

Then, the lady who trained me as a doula came in to town so that the other ladies and I could tour the local hospitals and get our names out. I knew this was going to be hard, but I tried to prepare myself ahead of time. Almost as soon as we got to the hospital, I saw a lady being wheeled out with her newborn, all swaddled in pink. The eyes burned, but I held it together. Then we started touring, and it just got harder and harder. We checked out the labour rooms, and all I could think was "I'm never going to be on the other side of this." We also saw a midwifery center, and the walls were covered in the footprints of all the babies delivered there. It was a sea of pink and blue... At another hospital we were talking to one of the nurses,and one of the ladies asked if a mother was delivering inthe room behind us. The nurse said yes, and I swear to you, not ten seconds later a baby started crying. I almost lost it right then and there. I just don't think you can fully prepare yourself to be bombarded by the thing you want most but can't have.

I think the icing on the cake is that I still haven't ovulated. The latest I've ever ovulated on Clomid is cd 18. Today is cd 18 and there was no smilie face of awesomeness. I'm also out of OPKs so I'm going to have to pick more up tomorrow... I googled the situation, and some sources were saying that you can grow immune to Clomid... Does anyone know if that's true? I mean... After 6 months of using this, maybe it's just not working anymore. What do I do now?