Moving Forward

This last month has been harder than any of the others, and I haven't dealt with it well. There were many tear fests and moments where poor Alex was undeservedly snapped at.

AF came, and I really truly thought the last cycle was the cycle. We then discussed making the November iui, the seventh iui, our final iui. We would then put iui money into our ivf fund. So, I went along my merry way taking my femara and waiting to produce nice fat follicles for this last cycle. Any sight of a pregnant woman or a small child resulted in me becoming at least slightly teary eyed. I also managed to attend two baby showers, and run into a woman accidentally pregnant with twins the day after I dreamt of being pregnant with twins. On the 17th I went in for my mid-cycle scan and to set up the iui. After looking around for a bit, Ms. B concluded that none of my follicles were mature yet, and that I needed to come in for a repeat scan on the following Monday. So, the weekend passed as I fretted away, and Monday morning finally arrived. After looking around a bit, Dr. S concluded that my follicles still weren't mature, and that there would be no iui this month. He also explained to me that he didn't feel comfortable having us continue treatment. He said the iuis are not working, and our next step needs to be ivf. He is prescribing provera so that I continue to have cycles, and that is that.

I left that appointment feeling as though I had been punched in the stomach. The clomid failed, the femara failed, and there would be no more treatments until we finally scraped up the money for ivf.

Alex and I discussed how ivf would unfold, and honestly, that doesn't sound extremely promising either. We would find a way to do it in July, we aren't concerned about that. We're concerned about the likelihood of success. Dr. S flat out said there's a good chance I just don't have good egg quality, and that our ivf would have a 40% chance of taking home a baby, tops. He didn't sound super confident, and that scares me. We could scrape up the money for one attempt, and if that failed, we would not be able to try again for at least a few years. What if we pay the money and then they find out my eggs are absolute crap? It's scary.

So, after a lot of talk, Alex and I have decided our next step. Instead of trying a round of ivf in the summer, we are going to begin moving towards adoption. I can’t even begin to describe the peace that washed over me. While it still hurts to know that I may never experience pregnancy or holding a baby that has my green eyes and my husband’s brown curls, I’m happy to know that we will have a child. The constant emotional roller coaster over what my body is doing is over. I will still be a mother, and while my child might not grow in my womb, it will grow in my heart.

So now begins a whole new adventure. We have no idea where to start, and it seems like it will be a little overwhelming. Does anyone have any advice? Do you have any recommendations as which is better, using an agency or adopting independently? Ways to raise the funds? How to pass a homestudy? Basically, we will take any advice or directions towards resources! Our main concern right now is our age. We are fairly young (22 and 23) but we are mature and have our lives together. I know we can give a child a loving, healthy home, and I feel that that is all that should matter.

Thank you all so much! <3

She's a comin'

My telltale indicator has finally arrived. I think AF was just toying with me, instead of my week of notice, my chest began to throb today, and she will probably still show up Sunday. Bitch.

She swings, and...

BFN.

I'll test again on Sunday, unless AF shows up, but I'm calling this cycle a bust.

Thanks to my piano class, I have the Miniature Waltz stuck in my head...

Hey everyone! I'm behind, but to be fair, I did make a couple vlogs for Youtube. Does that make it better?

So, IUI #5 was on September 23, which was the day from hell. More on those horrible details in a minute. Absolutely everything was perfect in this cycle. EVERYTHING! My lining was 10.72 mm, and I had two follicles, one on the left (23mm), and one on the right (20mm). Now, as you all know, we have had several poor cycles in regards to DH's numbers. The doctor requested that Alex get a repeat SA, and we still hadn't gotten the results. So, needless to say, we were a little weary about his sample. When they handed us the sample and the paper, we were ready to explode from anticipation! After processing, he had 80.1% motility and... 15.5 MILLION!!! This is the best he has ever done! So, we are pretty excited about this cycle! The actual IUI was actually kinda painful. Usually it's mildly uncomfortable for a couple minutes, but this one HURT, and it continued to hurt for a couple of days afterwards. It was rather odd.

Now, for why that day was the day from hell. We went out of town in order to go work at a Ren Faire, which, like always, was awesome. What wasn't awesome, however, was breaking down an hour and a half from our destination. Luckily it was just thirty minutes from my in laws, where we were planning to make a pit stop to pick up my bil, and so we were rescued. The car was towed to a shop, where we were told our oil light was broken, and because of that, our engine burned up and needed to be replaced. Yay 3000$ that we didn't have! We wound up taking out a large loan so that we could cover both car payments and the repair in one payment. Because of the unexpected additional 7000$ of debt we have managed to fall in to, DH doesn't think we are going to be able to do the IVF in January. We got the paper work for that, and after doing the math, it would be 10,000$, which is so incredibly cheap, but still not something we can afford right now. This particular hospital does four cycles a year (Jan, Apr, Jul, and Aug), so we think we are going to wait until July. That way I am out of class for the summer, and we have even more time to figure out finances. I started a chip in account, so, we'll see how that goes. (Mine is in the right column, if you need help raising any funds, you should make your own account! Check it out!)

So, for now, I'm wading through the tww! Honestly, I don't feel one way or the other. If anything, I think I'm confused. We are about fourish days before AF should show up, and I realized this morning that my boobs don't hurt. Normally by this point, my chest feels like it is dying. I feel nothing. I don't see this as a sign that the iui worked either, because tender breasts are a sign of pregnancy. So, I just don't know. I'm going to test on Friday, and depending on the result, test again on Sunday. Wish me luck!

I hope you ladies are doing well! <3

Thank God for Banana Muffins.

I woke up to DH's accidental alarm this morning, and decided since it was 5:30, I could probably safely test. So, I quickly begin to waddle to the bathroom, full bladder in tow. A few steps down the hall, and I feel it. I sprinted the last couple of feet to the bathroom, and there was AF in all her evil glory.

So, I call the RE's clinic tomorrow to set up the midcycle scan, begin taking Femara on Tuesday, and just all around gear up for iui numero cinco.

This will be my fifth iui... At what point do you give up on a course of treatment? At what point do you sit back and just know that a particular treatment will not work for you? I was so confident about this cycle, it was beautiful... The doctor said there is still a chance the iuis will work, which is why we're going to keep doing them, but I don't know if I believe that anymore. Part of me wonders if they just say that so they can continue to take my money as I cling to hope. Part of me wonders if we should just stop until January when we can do ivf. I know myself, though. I would never be able to just sit here going back to doing nothing... I would constantly wonder if we had tried just one more time, would that have been it?

I realized today that I just finished my twelfth cycle with fertility treatments. One full year of trying with the help of medical professionals. I never thought I'd still be here a year later. I was absolutely positive that we'd start treatments, and then a month or so later our cupcake would finally start to bake... I thought the same thing when we started the iuis.

I kinda just want to mope around, but I have music to learn, chapters to read, homework to do, and a house to clean... So, I will do what all of us do. I will take a deep breath, put on a smile, and do what I have to do. I hope everyone else is having a wonderful cycle, and that you all get the prize. <3

That was disappointing.

Well, I tested this morning and got a BFN. At the same time I got my result, DH's cousin began having contractions. Awesome, right? *sigh* It's 14dpiui, but not necessarily 14dpo, so I'm going to test again on Sunday.

I'm not holding my breath, though.

I said it's hot outside, let me go swimming in your eyes...

Hello ladies! It's been a month since my last update, and it's safe to say a good deal has happened.

AF finally came! Anyone want to guess how far a got? I'll give you a hint, it was more than 66 days, and less than 68. :)

So, I am now at 7dpo, which means I cat test in about 7 more! I'm fairly excited because even though I know I really shouldn't get my hopes up, I have a good feeling. Femara worked BEAUTIFULLY! Do you guys remember my wimpy endo linings on Clomid? 6mm and the likes. With Femara my lining was 10.36mm! That is seriously my best yet! I also had my biggest follies ever! Both were on the side of my remaining tube, and measured at 22mm and 26mm! I honestly don't think I could have asked for better results. All the doctors were super thrilled. I think the best thing has been all the positive comments that have been made... The nurse told us to call when I miss my period, which none of them have ever said. Additionally, DH keeps insisting that I am PUPO. That may not seem like much, but that isn't something that he does. His response is always along the lines of there is no way to know, so I can't tell you what I think. All in all, it was just nice.

DH produced a better sample this time, but it was still a lot lower than they wanted it to be. His last two were 5.9 million with 89% motility and 5.2 million with 72% motility. This one was 7.8 million with 80.5% motility, so like I said, an improvement, just not the minimum of 10 million they really want. The doctor decided DH needs to go in for a repeat SA, and we'll go from there. She said it might come back normal, and his natural fluctuations just aren't lining up the way we'd like it to. If it's abnormal, she is going to refer him to a urologist in the clinic that specializes in this. She said it could be as simple as changing his diet, but it could be as serious as testicular failure. I don't know about you ladies, but I'm rooting for diet. Knowing DH, though, that really is the most likely culprit. The boy eats horribly, but still manages to be fit. It's unfair, and as much as I try to get him to give up his secret, he refuses to budge. So, now I'm focusing on fixing our diet and trying to sneak vegetables into his food. Any suggestions?

So, has anyone else had a pregnancy announcement explosion happen?? As of this moment I currently know seven people who have announced their pregnancy. I wish I could say I'm happy for all of them, but I'm not. about four of them, yes, I am extremely happy for them, just mildly bitter. The final three are in positions and situations where getting pregnant was not the best idea, and a part of me is angry that they accidentally got pregnant while all of us struggle. There's nothing I can do, though, so I just keep my mouth shut.

On the not infertility front, I hope you all stayed dry during the hurricane! We were evacuated, and we're pretty glad we decided to go! It flooded pretty badly out here. We took our car and had no where to take our blazer, so thinking it was fully insured, we left it. When we returned home we discovered that the flood waters came high enough to cover the seats and caused it to no longer start. Upon calling the insurance agency, we discovered that it was in fact not fully insured. As was expected, we were freaking thrilled! Normally, we would have said, yes, this is cruddy, but we can make things work with one vehicle, we've done it before. However, I started classes this last week, and they are thirty minutes away, all day, Monday through Friday. We couldn't make it work with one vehicle, and decided to get a used truck as quickly as possible. So, now our savings is wiped, there is a large charge on the credit card we avoid using, and we have three vehicles in our driveway, only two of which work.

Things are tight and a little difficult right now, but I still feel hope. That's got to be a good thing, right?