Umm, so, yeah...

Apparently we can add mood swings to that list of maybe symptoms. I definitely posted that last blog and calmly walked to DH to talk. He was playing a video game, and was distracted. I then declared that I was going to go get a bath and quickly walked to the bedroom. This is where I had a very uncharacteristic break down. I started sobbing about how he just wasn't attracted to me anymore because I'm fat and how he was probably glad we had the IUI so he wouldn't have to have sex with me for us to have a baby. So I don't sound completely crazy there, I've been hinting that I have wanted some *ahem* fun time. However, he has been out of zinc, and therefore has not been in the mood. Wednesday will make two weeks, and I am getting antsy! As soon as I mentioned to myself the IUI I started crying about all the obvious reasons the IUI didn't work. This would include the fact that we didn't seal the deal. I then laid in bed just crying my eyes out.

Shortly thereafter, I felt perfectly fine and went on to enjoy my warm bath.

I think I'm losing my mind.

I was sittin', waitin', wishin'...

So, it is currently 9dpiui, and I am growing restless. I'm exhausted, am breaking out, and my boobs feel like someone just beat them with a hammer. I'm trying to tell myself that it is early for it to be AF symptoms (and to be fair, I usually don't have symptoms until a few days before) but I also know it is far too early for these to be pregnancy symptoms. A girl can dream though, right?

I took a test at 5dpiui just to see a positive. I know that in the long run that will probably just make things feel worse, but a sick part of me wanted needed to see it. I got to see it, those two pink lines that I have been longing for for a really long time. The test line was really light, but it was definitely there. The emotions I felt were odd... I wasn't sad to know that it was a pretend line, I wasn't tricking myself into thinking it was real, it was very matter of fact. This is pretend, and that is that.

I took another test yesterday at 8dpiui, and I got another positive... It was so faint I had to be in the perfect lighting to see it. For a while I thought maybe it was an imaginary line, but upon further investigation, I decided that it was, indeed, there. This one I have torn feelings on. All those tests say they can detect pregnancy six days before the missed period, and that would have been yesterday. So, between how incredibly faint the positive was and the whole early detection thing, I really want to think that it was real. So, I'm not too sure what to think. I know that there is still a good chance that the trigger is still in my system, but I want it to be real so badly...

I decided that I will be taking another test on Tuesday, 11dpiui, and then another on Friday. Friday should be the day of truth, but just in case, I will have one test left. Thank God for Dollar Store HPTs! I've decided that since the line was so faint yesterday, by Tuesday it should either be negative or darker...

At this point I honestly can't say whether I think it worked or not. I'm just not sure. This is strange for me, because I usually have an opinion one way or the other... This time I've got nothing. All I know is that I was feeling some sharp pains today, and I'm hoping they were just from a baby getting nice and cozy for its nine month stay...

Contest!

Hey guys! Julia has a pretty nice contest going on over at "Just Relax" Go check it out, you only have until the 15th!

Mind games

I know it's only been a couple days, but my mind is already going crazy. I want this to have worked so badly because the timing would be so perfect... That simple fact is making me feel like this is obviously going to fail. Then I get to thinking about all the women who go through IUI, and how it seems like so few of them get pregnant through it. Then I think about how long it took to get the sample in, and the Dr. Pepper I drank, and that stupid vacuum I had to hoist up. Most of all, I think about how thin my endometrial lining was. 4.12mm, and everything I'm reading says it really should be around 7mm at time of the IUI. I'm so afraid that that plus all these other stupid things are just going to tip the scales out of my favour. I'm trying to convince myself that it might have thickened in the three days following the mid-cycle scan, but I'm not doing a good job. :(

However, then I think about how wonderful it would be if I did finally get that BFP... We planned how we are going to announce it to family when we go out there on the 12th. I picture my MIL and SIL faces at the news. I imagine my reaction to the news. I picture myself telling DH he is finally going to be a daddy... I get swept up in this little happy fantasy, until that ice cold fear slaps me again.

It's going to be a very long 12 more days.

And the 2ww begins!

Alex gave me the HCG shot last night, and honestly it wasn't nearly as horrible as I was expecting it to be. I think my main problem is that I am terrified of needles, and I decided to research via Youtube before the injection. There I found multiple women screaming out as they received their shots. I think the worst was a demonstration video where the nurse stabbed the needle rather roughly. So, I had just really worked myself up before the shot. In the end I sobbed in terror, tearfully accused DH of not knowing what he was doing when he almost forgot to clean the area, and then felt silly as I happily sipped my banana pudding reward milkshake. :) My bum is still sore, but all is well.

The IUI today was a little stressful. DH came home from work and we began the journey. We, of course, got lost because we had to go to a different location in order to wash the gold. When we eventually arrived, twenty minutes late for the appointment, things went smoothly for a bit. DH performed well, and the results were pretty good. He produced 37.8 million with 35% motility. After the wash he had 11 million with 84% motility. I think that's pretty good, right? We received the gold and were told to get it to the hospital and injected within the next 2 1/2 hours.

At this point, of course things go downhill. We spent half an hour stuck in traffic. We finally got to the labour and delivery ward, and were sitting in the waiting room for another half hour. Being Muslim and preferring not to have men (other than DH) dealing with my lady parts, I requested a female physician, but said I would take a male if need be. They nurse said it would be no problem whatsoever. When we were eventually called back I was a bundle of nerves and excitement. The lady walked us to the room and instructed me to do the routine disrobing. She mentioned that something wasn't in the room and that she'd be right back. After she left I undressed and plopped down on the bed, terrified of moving too much and disrupting my little friends hanging out in my top. So I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting there, and I eventually start reading. After a while I look up at the clock and realize I've been sitting there for thirty minutes. I mention this to DH, and he goes out to ensure that we weren't forgotten. The nurse told him that they were just waiting on the doctor to finish. Apparently there were only three female doctors on duty, one of which was in surgery, one was in the E.R., and the other was seeing patients. She assured him that it would be very soon, and sent him back. At this point the little guys have been hanging out for an hour and a half, and I was getting nervous. I went back to my reading and eventually noticed that another 45 minutes have passed. This makes it two hours and fifteenish minutes. We had fifteen minutes to get those suckers in or else this was shot. I panicked and told DH to tell them I didn't care if it was a monkey who was performing the procedure, I just needed it done! I'm sure he didn't phrase it quite like that, but he came back saying a male doctor told him he was on his way. At this point I am beginning to feel a bit of relief. Everything is going to be done just in the knick of time. So I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting there. Another twenty minutes go by and I start to tear up. I was so angry that I just had to be picky and this was all my fault. Then the doctor walks in apologizing for the wait. I explained my concerns, and he informed me that I had approximately eight hours before they sample 100% had to be injected. I felt as if a massive weight had lifted off of me haha! He assured me that it was fine and our chances weren't going to go down at all. He quickly did the procedure (which was a little uncomfortable, but fine) and then I just had to lay there for thirty minutes.

All in all, besides my mini panic attack, it went pretty well! Now comes the worst part, the waiting. I know I'm going to want to start testing within a week, but I'm so afraid to! I'm so afraid that I'm going to test and get excited over a BFP just to find out that it was the remaining HCG... Generally how long did you ladies wait?

<3

Beginning to panic...

I keep thinking about the HCG trigger tonight, and I am really starting to freak out. I have never had an intramuscular shot, and the idea of my untrained husband giving me my first is a little terrifying! So, I need to know, and I need to know soon, how bad is the shot?

I'll be patiently trembling on my couch. <3

Hey ya!

I went for my mid-cycle scan today, and it went really well! My right ovary is all poly-cystic and is sad with no follies. A quick swoop to the left ovary showed much happier results! I have a nice fat follie that is measuring 17mm, one that is 16mm and I believe she said one that is 12mm. Soooooo Clomid did its job! Woot! The only downside is that my endometrial stripe is only 4.12mm. The doctor wasn't thrilled about that and said if the IUI doesn't work then we are going to switch to a different medication next time.

I was given my HCG trigger kit and told to inject myself on Thursday evening.

That's right, I will no longer be able to say I have never shot up.

We go in on Friday to drop off DH's sample at the obstacle course. After couple hours we will take the gold to the labour and delivery center (my clinic will be closed) and I will be spermified! 

This is surreal! We've gone so long with doctors telling us they have no answers, and within a couple weeks not only do I have a diagnosis, but I have an IUI date! I'm really trying not to get my hopes up, because the odds are still slim, but it's hard. I mean, how perfect would this be? I am going home April 12-15, which will be 18dpiui, so I should definitely know by then. Also, this would make my due date around Christmas. It would just be perfect.