Someone Pinch Me...

 

Who wasn't expecting this?! After the cycle from hell, who actually expected this?! Not this girl, that's for sure! The first test turned positive so quickly I was sure it was a fluke, and so I retested. The second one turned positive within thirty seconds. I bawled and bawled and bawled! When I finished I thought about the chance of miscarriage and bawled some more. I called my sister, and she talked a little sense into me. 

I really liked how I told Alex, but I wish I would have been able to catch it on camera! I found that he had forgotten his phone at home, so I grabbed it and the wrapped up tests and headed to the store. I put together a bag of baby carrots, a muffin (we've been referring to the baby as a cupcake for years, and this was the closest I could find), and a baby bottle full of water. I put everything in a grocery bag and went to his shop. I called and asked for him to come down, but he was in position and couldn't. This was when I sadly realized I wouldn't be able to record it. So, I went upstairs, set my phone outside the tower cab, and went up the final flight of stairs. I called him over, and handed him the bag, which he took without even starting to look at it. I asked him if he was going to look at what I brought. I looked confused, but said okay. He pulled out the carrots and I said "baby carrots." He pulled out the muffin, "muffin." Then he looked at the bottle at the bottom of the bag, "bottle of water." He scrunched his eyebrows and whispered "Are you pregnant?" I told him to look at the last bit. He unwrapped the tests, looked at them, and wrapped me in a hug. He kept saying "Oh my God, it worked. It worked!" When I looked up he was tearing up. Then he looked at his coworkers, pumped his arms, and yelled, "We're gonna have a baby!!" It was ridiculously adorable :)

I went to the clinic this afternoon for my blood test. I got the results back, and my hcg was 212. It's official, we're expecting a baby in August! I'm so ecstatic, but so scared, I'm so afraid that I'll miscarry. Ms. B told me from the get go that I have a higher chance of miscarriage... I'm trying to focus on positive thoughts, but it's hard. When you're infertile, it seems like every happy thing is immediately followed by something terrible. I'm just praying this baby, our very first pregnancy, sticks around.

A sigh of relief and a wtf??

Alex and I talked about the whole situation many many times, and I think we finally reached an understanding. There were lots of tears, a few raised voices, and realizations on both ends. It turns out we weren't being completely clear with each other.

He does want to wait a little bit, but not for as long or for the reasons that I thought. He wants to take about a year and really work on improving his woodworking and forging. He is hoping that in that year we will have the time to sell his creations, have me doula (for money, that is) and all around save the money. His thinking is that since there is this extra time where the situation isn't quite as dire, we can use it to be a little more financially prepared. He doesn't want to take out a loan for 10,000-20,000$ if we don't have to. He wants us to save as much as we can, and then take out a loan if we can't quite cover it.

While I'm still not thrilled with the wait, I can respect this. The thing that has me happiest is that if someone we know approaches us about a baby, he is perfectly happy to immediately take the steps towards adopting it. He says that if something works out that well, then we are meant to take those steps then. The way he was originally talking, it just seemed as if he saw an out and was taking it. As far I knew, this break could have been decades long, and that just wasn't acceptable. I'm really glad that we managed to work this out. In the mean time, we are going to continue trying naturally (or as naturally as possible), and maybe we'll "relax" enough ;)

As for still trying,  do you all remember Dr. S telling me not to continue any meds until we moved to ivf for my emotional stability blah blah blah? Should I follow that advice? Technically my usual PA, Ms. B, spoke with a different doctor and they decided I could continue femara as long as I still came in for scans. I would rather continue with that source of treatment. Even if Dr. S thinks nothing will change on femara, I know absolutely nothing will happen without it. I would like to continue with at least a glimmer of a hope. What do you think?

Now, for the wtf segment of today's show. Did you guys know there is a whole anti-adoption community?! Reading the stuff is crazy! Apparently couples looking to adopt are predators and just customers. Apparently the act is completely unnatural and damaging to the child. Some of the things I was reading were just ridiculous! Have you guys seen this? Thoughts?

Or not...

Two days after my last post, things took a drastic turn towards Craptown, USA.

Alex and I went to a party where we asked for help from a group of people who are like family to us. We asked for their help with finding a possible birth mother. They are very involved in the community and see all sorts of people in different situations. During the conversation they had mentioned that due to our decision, the situation wasn't as dire. They suggested that since we are so young we just wait.

They don't get it. No one seems to get it. I may be chronologically  22, but emotionally I am well into my thirties. Everyone seems to think that since I'm young I haven't lived my life the way I wanted to. They seem to think that since I'm young I must have some romantic idea about the life of a mother and not be looking at things realistically. I must be out of my mind.

Unfortunately, while I stayed firmly seated in my position, their words trickled into Alex's brain. He has decided that they are right. We were so determined to begin trying for a baby due to all of our issues, and it's no longer necessary. We have decided we are happy to accept a child into our hearts who won't necessarily be of our blood. There will always be children in need of homes, why not wait? Why not live our lives now while we're young? Why sacrifice our money and time now when we don't have to?

And in that moment I felt everything shatter. This last year has been a living hell for me. I can't watch a diaper commercial without having a minor breakdown. How in the hell am I going to make it through however long he decides he needs to live his life enough? That was the best part! When I asked how long he needed, his response was "I don't know." I don't know isn't good enough!

He did say that he doesn't want to prevent a pregnancy (as if we would ever need to) because if we are by some miracle able to have a biological child, that is awesome. I then asked if we could go back to the ivf plan. Now he doesn't feel comfortable with how much money we would have to spend on ivf when it might not even work. So, unless I manage to find a way to pay for the entire procedure outside of a loan, that's outtoo.

I feel like screaming. I feel like my one partner in all of this has betrayed me and I have no one to turn to. I feel alone and more depressed than I have on this entire journey. I don't know what to do, but I'm falling apart.

Moving Forward

This last month has been harder than any of the others, and I haven't dealt with it well. There were many tear fests and moments where poor Alex was undeservedly snapped at.

AF came, and I really truly thought the last cycle was the cycle. We then discussed making the November iui, the seventh iui, our final iui. We would then put iui money into our ivf fund. So, I went along my merry way taking my femara and waiting to produce nice fat follicles for this last cycle. Any sight of a pregnant woman or a small child resulted in me becoming at least slightly teary eyed. I also managed to attend two baby showers, and run into a woman accidentally pregnant with twins the day after I dreamt of being pregnant with twins. On the 17th I went in for my mid-cycle scan and to set up the iui. After looking around for a bit, Ms. B concluded that none of my follicles were mature yet, and that I needed to come in for a repeat scan on the following Monday. So, the weekend passed as I fretted away, and Monday morning finally arrived. After looking around a bit, Dr. S concluded that my follicles still weren't mature, and that there would be no iui this month. He also explained to me that he didn't feel comfortable having us continue treatment. He said the iuis are not working, and our next step needs to be ivf. He is prescribing provera so that I continue to have cycles, and that is that.

I left that appointment feeling as though I had been punched in the stomach. The clomid failed, the femara failed, and there would be no more treatments until we finally scraped up the money for ivf.

Alex and I discussed how ivf would unfold, and honestly, that doesn't sound extremely promising either. We would find a way to do it in July, we aren't concerned about that. We're concerned about the likelihood of success. Dr. S flat out said there's a good chance I just don't have good egg quality, and that our ivf would have a 40% chance of taking home a baby, tops. He didn't sound super confident, and that scares me. We could scrape up the money for one attempt, and if that failed, we would not be able to try again for at least a few years. What if we pay the money and then they find out my eggs are absolute crap? It's scary.

So, after a lot of talk, Alex and I have decided our next step. Instead of trying a round of ivf in the summer, we are going to begin moving towards adoption. I can’t even begin to describe the peace that washed over me. While it still hurts to know that I may never experience pregnancy or holding a baby that has my green eyes and my husband’s brown curls, I’m happy to know that we will have a child. The constant emotional roller coaster over what my body is doing is over. I will still be a mother, and while my child might not grow in my womb, it will grow in my heart.

So now begins a whole new adventure. We have no idea where to start, and it seems like it will be a little overwhelming. Does anyone have any advice? Do you have any recommendations as which is better, using an agency or adopting independently? Ways to raise the funds? How to pass a homestudy? Basically, we will take any advice or directions towards resources! Our main concern right now is our age. We are fairly young (22 and 23) but we are mature and have our lives together. I know we can give a child a loving, healthy home, and I feel that that is all that should matter.

Thank you all so much! <3

She's a comin'

My telltale indicator has finally arrived. I think AF was just toying with me, instead of my week of notice, my chest began to throb today, and she will probably still show up Sunday. Bitch.

She swings, and...

BFN.

I'll test again on Sunday, unless AF shows up, but I'm calling this cycle a bust.

Thanks to my piano class, I have the Miniature Waltz stuck in my head...

Hey everyone! I'm behind, but to be fair, I did make a couple vlogs for Youtube. Does that make it better?

So, IUI #5 was on September 23, which was the day from hell. More on those horrible details in a minute. Absolutely everything was perfect in this cycle. EVERYTHING! My lining was 10.72 mm, and I had two follicles, one on the left (23mm), and one on the right (20mm). Now, as you all know, we have had several poor cycles in regards to DH's numbers. The doctor requested that Alex get a repeat SA, and we still hadn't gotten the results. So, needless to say, we were a little weary about his sample. When they handed us the sample and the paper, we were ready to explode from anticipation! After processing, he had 80.1% motility and... 15.5 MILLION!!! This is the best he has ever done! So, we are pretty excited about this cycle! The actual IUI was actually kinda painful. Usually it's mildly uncomfortable for a couple minutes, but this one HURT, and it continued to hurt for a couple of days afterwards. It was rather odd.

Now, for why that day was the day from hell. We went out of town in order to go work at a Ren Faire, which, like always, was awesome. What wasn't awesome, however, was breaking down an hour and a half from our destination. Luckily it was just thirty minutes from my in laws, where we were planning to make a pit stop to pick up my bil, and so we were rescued. The car was towed to a shop, where we were told our oil light was broken, and because of that, our engine burned up and needed to be replaced. Yay 3000$ that we didn't have! We wound up taking out a large loan so that we could cover both car payments and the repair in one payment. Because of the unexpected additional 7000$ of debt we have managed to fall in to, DH doesn't think we are going to be able to do the IVF in January. We got the paper work for that, and after doing the math, it would be 10,000$, which is so incredibly cheap, but still not something we can afford right now. This particular hospital does four cycles a year (Jan, Apr, Jul, and Aug), so we think we are going to wait until July. That way I am out of class for the summer, and we have even more time to figure out finances. I started a chip in account, so, we'll see how that goes. (Mine is in the right column, if you need help raising any funds, you should make your own account! Check it out!)

So, for now, I'm wading through the tww! Honestly, I don't feel one way or the other. If anything, I think I'm confused. We are about fourish days before AF should show up, and I realized this morning that my boobs don't hurt. Normally by this point, my chest feels like it is dying. I feel nothing. I don't see this as a sign that the iui worked either, because tender breasts are a sign of pregnancy. So, I just don't know. I'm going to test on Friday, and depending on the result, test again on Sunday. Wish me luck!

I hope you ladies are doing well! <3